My Sweet Boy

This is my sweet boy, Sam. He is in Kindergarten this year, having turned 5 right before the school year started. I worried that he was too young to start school, that maybe he wouldn't have the maturity and attention span needed to be successful in school, having only made the age cutoff by 10 days.

From early meetings with his teacher, we learned that while he wasn't at the top of the class, he was right where he should be and showing great improvement on the various kindergarten skills. Josh and I had already noticed how much better his writing had gotten, how much neater he colored, and how he was learning the letter sounds and recognizing them. We were so proud.

Then, about a week ago, Sam brings us a note after he gets home from school. It is from Miss H., his teacher, and explains that there was an "incident" on the playground involving a boy from the other kindergarten class and the tether ball rope being wrapped around his neck. Apparently it really scared the boy, who told his mom about it, who then came and talked to Miss H. Needless to say, I was shocked and saddened to learn of this bad behavior from my son. We sat him down and calmly talked to him, asking what had happened. He told us that yes, it had happened but that he wasn't the only one. There were two other boys involved too and that he wasn't the one who actually had the rope. So we talked about making the right choices, how the other boy must have felt, expressed our disapproval at his behavior and told him that sometimes just standing there when someone is being hurt is almost as bad as hurting them yourself. We encouraged him to be a good example and to be courageous enough to speak up in situations like that. He'd been punished at school already so we really didn't dole out more than a stern talking to.

I found myself really bothered by the whole incident, to be honest. I just couldn't believe that my sweet-hearted boy was involved in something like that. It really saddened me and made me question my success as a mother. Had I not tried to teach him to be kind to others, to be respectful of them, and to flat out not HURT people? Had I not taught him about consequences and instilled enough fear in him that he didn't hesitate to participate in such an activity? Did I not nurture his conscious and teach him right from wrong? This whole incident really kind of knocked me for a loop and I almost felt like I was mourning for a while. My baby was out in the free world (to an extent) and making his own choices, and they weren't the right ones! Where had I gone wrong?

Then, a day later report cards came out. I was still kind of bothered by the playground incident and so I trepidatiously opened his report card. My heart sank a little further. Yes, Sam was doing fine academically, showing great improvement and working hard to meet all the educational requirements. However, his teacher expressed some concern about Sam's ability to focus on his work, saying that he needed quite a bit of redirection and prompting. That he'd rather use his time to play than to do his work, and that his play choices weren't always good ones. The school has a Zero Weapon policy, meaning they don't allow the kids to even play weapons, like with sticks, and if you know my Sam, you know he's fascinated by anything weapon related. So naturally, he and the other boys in his class like to play Star Wars or whatever, pointing their fingers, blocks, etc. at each other and making all kind of sound effects. (To my credit, I tried for the first 3 years of his life to keep actual toy guns and such from entering the house. When he started using his shoe as a gun, I figured it was pointless. He'd find a way.)

Every parent wants their child to be the star student and a model of good behavior so to put it mildly, I was rather dismayed. I immediately came home after picking him up from school and confiscated all his toy guns and hid them in the garage. I instructed Josh when he got home that Sam was no longer allowed to play a particular computer game (one I never really approved of anyway) that is a war-type game. We talked about what his report card said, and in retrospect, I may have overreacted a bit, but it had been a week of disappointment for me and I was going to nip this thing in the bud!

Later we again sat Sam down and talked to him about how school was going and the comments, both good and bad, that his teacher had made. We talked about our expections and told him that he needed to focus more on his work. Poor little guy threw his hands up in despair and exclaimed "But I don't know what focus IS!". So that was the next part of discussion. Josh and I also admitted we probably needed to spend a little less time on the computers in the evening and a little more interacting with the kids, especially Sam. I did a search on the internet for some free kindergarten-level worksheets and printed out a bunch, deciding that would be a good activity for the evening. Sam gets a little extra tutoring and some one-on-one interaction with us.

I had wanted to talk face-to-face with Miss H. and get the whole story and also to let her know I wasn't just shrugging it off. I finally got the chance to talk to her yesterday and I'm so glad that I did. I feel SO much better now. If anything, she kind of down-played the playground incident. She confirmed that yes, there were other kids involved and that they also got notes sent home. She also said that Sam was the only one of the boys that took responsibility and 'fessed up. The others were trying to pass the buck. That made me feel a bit better. She said that Sam makes good choices when he's on his own, but sometimes in a group tends to just go along with things. Ahh, that "pack mentality". Oh, and Sam has already finished the reading course work that is expected at the end of the year, and is now moving on to the next level. Anyway, I feel much better about Sam, his performance at school and my own parenting skills after talking to Miss H. She said several times that she had no worries about him or us as a family. It was so incredibly reassuring to hear that.

I guess the lesson learned is one every parent must face: our children become independent of us, make their own choices and sometimes disappoint us. Gosh, it gives me a whole new respect for the hell I put my parents through and what their emotions must have been. But that's a whole other story...