I'm still here...

I've just been uninspired and stressed out. I haven't felt like I've had anything worth reading to write honestly. I mean, I hear other blog authors say this very same thing and then somehow they write a whole post that I end up devouring because it's witty and entertaining. And while I can't pinpoint any particular theme or thought-pattern, it doesn't seem to matter. I'm not sure I'm capable of that kind of verbosity.

Things are progressing with the house. They started the foundation on Tuesday and should have it done by the end of the week. I spent an hour or so yesterday at the courthouse trying to get some papers filed and some tax stuff taken care of. Zoë was somewhat tolerant of the process, albeit not exceptionally quiet. Her tiny little voice was only amplified by the tomb-like silence of the office we were in. I temporarily placated her with a sucker from the secret stash in my purse (totally for the kids, not me - I swear), then some paper and a pen where she informed me she was doing "decowations, Mom". I wasn't able to get everything taken care of so today we get to go back and do it all again. Oh joy.

I've come to the painful conclusion and realization that I'm going to have to work a bit more in order to afford this house. It's been my biggest fear all along, but now that we're actively handing out money like Hickory Farms free samples at Christmas, the rate at which the money is coming in needs to be stepped up. I'm hoping that by being proactive and not waiting until the bank is threatening us that maybe it'll be easier. I'm only planning on adding one day a pay period, and it still needs to be approved by my manager, so nothing is set in stone at this point. But I am resigned to the fact that it's going to need to happen. And I'm just praying that it will be enough.

I had a small breakdown about it the other day, which is quite out of character for me. The dam ended up bursting right before I was headed to work, which resulted in red puffy eyes and fuzzy contacts, which then led all my co-workers to inquire if I was okay, which then sent me scurrying to the bathroom to ward off the tears again. SO unlike me. And horrifying. Anyway, I finally laid bare my soul to my hubby about my mounting fears about the project and it's financial ramifications on our daily lives. I managed to pour out how I already feel stretched by working the amount that I do, that I still have to do everything else around the house even though I'm working more than I ever have since having my babies, and that I just was generally terrified.

The result? I don't feel like such a pressure-cooker of emotion, my hubby got the chance to console and reassure me (something that doesn't happen very often - I'm too stubborn) AND he said I just need to tell him what needs to be done around the house and he'll do it. I think it was kind of a wakeup call to him that I'm really NOT SuperWoman, even though that's certainly an image and perception I like to encourage. I don't readily or easily ask for help, but if we're going to make it thru this with my sanity in tact, I've got to learn how.

In other news, Sam's last day of kindergarten is tomorrow. This year has flown by and frankly, I'm sad to see it end. I'm looking forward to having him home with me and all the summer fun we have planned, but it's just another reminder of how rapidly the time is passing and how quickly he is growing up. We've had such a positive experience at his school and I just adore his teacher so I'm sad to have the year end. Our new house is in a different school district so next year will mean not only a new teacher, but a new school. I am totally confident that Sam will do fine - he is such an outgoing, friendly, confident kid that I know he'll fit right in.

Speaking of the end of the year, I want to find a gift for his teacher. I'd like something she can keep and remember Sam by, not just a gift card or something. I'm thinking a nice vase with flowers in it (she loves flowers). What do you think? Do you do anything for your kids' teachers at year-end?

Have a great day everyone! Send some sunshine my way - it'd go a long way towards improving my mood, I'm sure.

Meet the babies!

Miss Avery Rene

Mr. Landan Paul

Mr. Braydan James

Miss Addison Jo

I already miss these little buggars, even though at times they wore me out. They're going to change and grow so much before I can see them again that it makes me sad. But I'm so incredibly grateful for the time I got to spend with them, and the fact that they arrived healthy and happy. I was a bit teary when I had to say good-bye but hopefully it won't be too long before I can see them again.

Oh, What a Beautiful Morning!

The kids, my dad and I drove out to the property this morning to get some "before" pictures of the land. It's a beautiful, sunny day and being out there, hearing all the birds singing and seeing the resident hawk soaring around, only intensified my dreams. I can just imagine what next year at this time will be like.

Anyway, here's a tour around the place, for your viewing enjoyment:

This is the long driveway that goes off the main road, back to our lots.

This is still the driveway back. The wire across the road is where the property starts.

This is kind of a panoramic view, driving back to our lot. If you go around the corner to the left, our driveway will turn right off of the road.

Here's our driveway. Needs some work still. The house will be off to the left in the meadow.

This will be our view out the front door.

This will be the view out our back porch. My parents' house will be straight out that way, about 300 yards or so.

Another panoramic view, standing on our back deck looking left (east).

Country kids in the making...

Money worries be damned. I just want to hurry up and get out here!

I Can't Dance

When I was down in Cali at my cousin's house, we watched alot of TV. Not much else to do while stuck in the house wrangling babies. I'm not much of a TV person, except for sports, so much of what we watched was new to me. And darnit, I'm still watching! The last two nights, I've parked my butt on the couch and actually watched TV. More specifically, I watched So You Think You Can Dance. Have you seen it?

I'm not much into reality shows or competitions. I've never seen Survivor or The Amazing Race and have only seen American Idol a couple times. But people gettin' their groove on? Yah, I can get into that. Not sure I'll watch the whole season but it's been fun to see the auditions. Some people I genuinely feel bad for. They believe they can dance, yet in comparison to actual trained dancers, they just end up looking foolish. And I feel bad for them! How humiliating! But kudos to them for trying, I suppose.

I also managed to catch the season finale of Dancing with the Stars while in California and Kristi totally deserved to win. I saw that coming from earlier in the season when I caught a snippet of one episode. Although Mr. Twinkletoes Taylor looked mighty fine too. I have to admit, I secretly would love to take ballroom dancing lessons. I've always been a closet fan - in fact, if you looked on my TiVo at the recorded programs, you'd see all the Ballroom Dancing Championships recorded.

But I have no illusions about me and my moves. I don't have any. At least not any I'll perform anywhere other than my own house or car in the presence of people I'm related to.

You gotta have faith...

I returned home from my trip to Quad-ville to the news that we begin breaking ground on our house on June 6th. As in a week from tomorrow. I can't even begin to describe how I feel about this. It is such a mixed bag of emotions.

We've been working and waiting to get to this point for almost three and a half years. When we made the decision back in 2005 to buy 5 acres from my parents, we knew it would take awhile to get here. In the meantime we've been renting and watching house prices continue to climb, to the point where there would be very little out there that we could afford without peddling vital organs on Ebay. We've been holding our breath, existing in limbo, waiting for that proverbial green light to get started.

And now we're there. And it's causing me unprecedented anxiety.

My husband is usually the one stressing about money, managing it very carefully and conservatively, investing it, watching the stock market, and encouraging us to go without extravagant luxuries (i.e. vacations) in order to save. I've always been the one reassuring him that we'll be fine, that we'll figure it out, that everything'll be okay. Now those roles have been reversed. Probably for the first time in almost 10 years of being together, he's having to calm me down and reassure me that it will all work out. I see those large numbers on his spreadsheets and loan applications and I start to have palpitations. I see bids for things like septic systems and I start to twitch nervously. It all makes me very scared.

As I've told him, what scares me about this project is that we'll end up WAY over budget. Not just a little, but ALOT. Enough to force me to have to work more. And I've already shared how I about feel about working. I just fear being so indebted to this house that it drastically changes our lives. Or else we get it built, can't afford it, and have to turn around and sell it. Which would be very profitable, but that's beside the point. I want to live on THIS piece of property, which will be next door to my parents' property. I want lots more days with my Dad, enjoying life and living out our dreams. I want my kids to have the kind of freedom and adventure that I craved as a kid. Damnit, I want what I want. (Hmmm...spoiled much?)

We went out to the property last night to go stake out the building site and cut the grass, which is already waist-high. The kids had a great time tromping around, playing in the dirt, and catching bugs. On a walk with Grandpa, they discovered a puddle full of "poggywogs", as Zoë called them. I'd packed a picnic dinner for us and my parents, who joined us, and we sat out there and dreamed, talking about where to put the garden and our chickens. After dinner, Sam and Daddy went to play baseball in the grass, and sitting there watching them summoned up the dream of them someday playing ball on a big lush green yard, with me sitting on the back deck watching them in the twilight, listening to the crickets singing and the hawks calling. I also dream of cool fall evenings around a crackling outdoor fire, hearing the owls and the coyotes off in the woods, roasting marshmallows, then hauling sticky, sleepy kids off to their beds. Ach, I want it so bad I can practically taste it.

I told my husband that I want nothing more than at the end of this project for him to be able to tell me "I told you so". I want to live out there, put down some roots, grow some memories and our kids, and not worry month to month about the mortgage. We don't live extravagant, materialistic lives now, but I don't want to lose the ability to go out for pizza on a Saturday night.

So, for now, I'm relying heavily on faith. Faith in my husband, faith in the Good Lord, and faith in myself, I guess. I need to tell myself what I've been telling my husband for years: we're smart, resourceful, hard-working people and we'll figure it out. We're alot better off financially than people who are 20 years older.

It'll be okay.

Still here

So, I'm back!

And the first thing I notice when I'm logging in is that I've written 99 posts. Which means that THIS post is my 100th post! Who'da thunk it? I always thought that for my 100th post I'd write something meaningful and entertaining, or do one of those "100 things about me" posts, but alas, I just don't think it's gonna happen today. I returned from California on Sunday night and then had to immediately go back to work on Monday afternoon, as well as today. So not much time to stew in my creative juices and spew out words of wit & wisdom for your reading pleasure.

I will tell you that dealing with four 11 week old babies is exhausting. The kind of exhausting that you truly can't comprehend, nor could I ever adequately explain. It was HARD. And I was only there for 4 days. It was such a treat to see them finally and be able to love and kiss on them, but the good Lord knew what He was doing only giving me one at a time. And I understand why some animals eat their young.

I have a whole new appreciation for my cousin - if there ever was a supermom, she would be it. Many days functioning on only 3-4 hours of sleep, pumping breastmilk every 3-4 hours, feeding/burping/changing/rocking babies one after the other, while managing to do all the other necessary stuff (like eat, bathe, laundry, and wash & fill 25-30 bottles every day), and still maintaining an impressive level of sanity and patience definitely earns her my vote for Mom of the Year. She's a better woman than I.

For lots of reasons, I was glad to get home to my own family. It was a nice visit (with horribly crappy weather) but it's true what they say - "There's no place like home."

Anticipation

Forgive me, my faithful interwebs, for being so absent lately. It's been a busy, WARM week and I just haven't had the same urge to park my tookus at the computer with so much sunshine streaming in my windows. I still owe ya'll a post about our weekend in Seattle and I'll do my best to get to that. Eventually.

I'm sorry to say that I probably will be absent for much of the next week as I'm hoppin' on an aeroplane and heading south on Tuesday to go visit my cousin and her baby quadrulets! Who are now 2 1/2 months old! Ack. I'm gonna have my hands full. Nothing like jumping from the frying pan right into the blazing hot inferno of molten lava x5. (four 2 1/2 month old quadruplets + one almost-three year old boy = five times the pain) Ha ha, I'm just joking. I'm SO looking forward to this. I know I'm gonna cry like a dork when I actually get to see them. I love those little buggars and I've never even seen them - not even a dern picture other than the newspaper! But I s'pose some lacking photographicalness is to be expected of parents of newborn quadrulets + one toddler boy. I am SO gonna be making up for that when I'm there. They'll probably be begging me to put away my trusty Nikon and leave them the hell alone! I mean, my camera holds 1000 pictures and I'm gonna do my best to fill her up. In all seriousness, I'd love to be able to get some good shots and put together a digital scrapbook for them. This time is probably going to be a hazy blur for them and what parent doesn't want to remember every single little detail of their new babies? But shhhh! Don't tell them. It's a surprise.

I do have to share my latest, newest favoritest website with you. Oh my stars. I discovered this little gem on kirtsy and it's been sucking the juice out of my brain with it's demand for my occular attention. Ok, so if you like to cook food, like to eat food, like to look at food, go check out TasteSpotting. Oh heavens, it's a whole lotta food porn in one tidy little spot. Since I won't allow myself to actually search food blogs (I know they're out there! calling my name! but I'm determinedly resisting! because I have a life that needs living!), TasteSpotting is my new best friend. (Just kidding, Brooke. You're still my main squeeze. To prove that, I'll let you in on the secret that there are blogs dedicated to nothing but CUPCAKES. Go. Look. You can thank me later.) Right now there are 306 pages of pretty food to look at, 48 recipes on each page, so I'm sure you'll find something that will make your mouth water. I practically need a bib!

I'll try to pop back tomorrow with more random mumblings. My brain is approaching critical mass with all I need to do in the next 24 hours so I little blogging might be just the remedy.