Sunshine on Shoulders Makes Me Happy

If you haven't noticed, I haven't been blogging much lately. Several factors are contributing to my writing delinquency. First, I just haven't been very inspired lately. Second, I've been trying to not be on the computer as much, especially in the evenings, in an effort to spend more time with the fam. Thirdly, the weather keeps trying to get warmer which then translates to me becoming less slothful.

Today is one of those days, where the sun is trying valiantly to raise the temperature above the 60° mark. I'd optimistically purchased some flowers and potting soil the other day so this morning the kids and I got those situated in their pots. Then my dad was over working at his house so I wandered over to see what he was up to. The kids soon followed and in their meanderings, they discovered a whole patch of "flowers" (aka dandelions).

Since I had my camera, I then wandered around taking pictures, playing with the aperture and such. There's a new lens that I'm really coveting but for now I'm making do with what I have.

It was so refreshing to be outside, the warmth of the sun on my back, dirt on my hands, listening to the birds. It's been a long, long winter and we're more than ready for a deep breath of Spring.

Motherhood

There's another meme roaring around the blogosphere and, even though I wasn't officially tagged to do it, I'm doin' it. Because it's a topic near and dear to my heart: being a mom.

The question is "What five things do you love about being a mom?"

Boy, that is a dangerous question. Dangerous because, depending on the day, it could launch me into an absolute mushy, teary confession about how much I love it, how it's changed me, how I neverwantodoanythingelse, IlovebeingamomSOSOmuch... OR I could be hard pressed think of two things that I love about being a mom, much less five. Just depends on the day. Or the hour, for that matter.

Anyway, today I'm having an "I love being a mom" day so it's pretty easy to come up with five things. Here they are:

1. Like Ms. Secret Agent Josephine, I love being the one to comfort my kids. When I was a babysitter and even later after becoming an aunt, when the kids were hurt or sick they wanted their mommas. Regardless of how close or loved I was, they turned to their moms for comfort and I always felt a little sad and left out by that. Not that it wasn't the right response for them to have, but it just made me a little sad.

I love that my kids turn to me with their tears and scrapes and sadnesses and know that they'll find sympathy and comfort in my arms. Sadly enough, I don't have any memories of my mom being that for me. Maybe she was, I don't know. But I have no memory of it or of even feeling that she was. I want to make sure that my kids know that I will always be there for them, to kiss a booboo, to wipe a tear, to listen to the injustices of their lives.

2. I love it when my kids display their softer, sensitive sides. It's probably selfish but it gives me a great sense of satisfaction and pride to see them behaving kindly, or unselfishly. It makes me feel like I'm doing an okay job.

When Sam was a baby, less than a year old, when I'd pick him up, he'd snuggle into my shoulder and pat me on the back. I mentioned it to a co-worker, saying how cute I thought it was and she remarked that he did it because I did it to him. He was mirroring the love and comfort I gave him. It was one of my first affirmations as a mother and I've never forgotten it. Now my son will bring me coffee in bed in the morning and kiss me tenderly to wake me up because he knows I'm not a morning person and I need my coffee. My daughter treats her baby dolls so lovingly that it brings tears to my eyes. She dresses them, feeds them, tucks them into bed and reads them a bedtime story before kissing them goodnight. I marvel at it, feeling a sense of pride because, even though at times I feel like I should start saving now for the therapy my kids will surely need, I know that her loving behavior is learned and it has been demonstrated to her in her own life. And that makes me really happy and reassured.

3. I love staying home with my kids. Even though being a mom is way harder than any job I've ever had (see also: relentless, tiring, annoying, thankless, and at times downright disgusting), I truly can't think of anything I'd rather be doing. Yes, sometimes I'd like to call in sick or take a day off, but there really isn't anything else I feel as compelled to do with my life. I feel so incredibly blessed that I've been home with my kids since they were born, raised them myself and been there for all the firsts. I've never gotten as much satisfaction from any job I've had as I have from being a mom.

4. I love creating traditions with my kids. A few examples: decorating gingerbread houses at Christmastime, treasure hunts for their Easter baskets with rhyming clues leading them from one spot to the next, going out to breakfast on the first day of summer vacation, homemade cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning, homemade and hand-decorated birthday cakes. I know more traditions will evolve and become part of our family story over the years but already the kids are starting to have memories of these things. I love giving them happy memories to look back on.


5. I love loving my kids. This probably sounds silly but loving my kids just feels so good. Mother love is a different kind of love, different than any other. It's the warmest, fuzziest, most consuming love. It's invigorating, hypnotic, euphoric, and blinding all at the same time. It's drenched in bittersweetness and soaked with sentimentality. It produces physical pain as the heart nearly bursts with pride and contracts with mind-numbing fear. This love rises up, ready to attack and defend, when a threat looms. This love is something I was completely unprepared for. It has stretched me, redefined me. And I know I am better because of it.

Brighter Days Ahead

Yep, that's me. Although I don't look nearly as cute as this little guy. I am feeling pretty tired though.

But next week, I'm on Spring Break! After Monday I'm going to enjoy my days off and not work any extra, and I am going to play and enjoy my son's Spring Break. We've got some plans and are leaving the rest up in the air, hoping that the weather will cooperate and we can GET OUTSIDE. So I should have some fun blog fodder for posting, a nice change from my recent whining and complaining. I need to reclaim the positive and happy in my life and I'm going to make every effort to do so in the coming days.

We had a little scare last week where Zoë almost drowned at her very first swimming lesson. Long story short, the teacher had her back turned, there was no lifeguard on the deck watching the classes, she lost her footing and couldn't get herself righted and she ended up floating face down. Josh had to jump in the pool to get her. She was fine but we took her to the ER to get checked out, just in case, and she has since returned to her lessons, albeit under our even more watchful eyes. The staff and management at the the pool are also on high alert after I called and raised holy hell about the incident, which the manager had never been told of. I debated about letting her go back to this particular pool but decided that since she wasn't traumatized, and the teacher would be watching her extra carefully now, that I should let her go back. Sam is in lessons there too and loving it so I don't want to punish him by yanking him out. I can't say I'll send them back there, though, after this session is over.

Anyway, we're all good and healthy and got outside today to enjoy the bright sunshine that we were graced with. Josh and I shoveled some dirt and gravel, relocating it around the yard and the kids happily played in the dirt and rode their bikes. Sam and I ended up playing some whiffleball in the driveway for a bit and then we all went inside with rosy cheeks and growling tummies. It was a really nice morning and made me yearn, even more so, for the warmer days ahead.

Staying Afloat

Wow, it's been two weeks since I've written anything. Geez. Sorry 'bout that. Not that you were all sitting on the edge of your seats, waiting with baited breath for me to post. But here I am again, so have no fear.

I have to admit, I've been in a bit of a funk lately, my mind swirling furiously with too many thoughts and emotions. The last two weeks have been kind of a "perfect storm" in my head and I've felt like I was drowning and unable to get to the life raft that was just feet away. Now, I'm simply treading water but at least my head's above water. (How's that for an analogy, huh?)

The first wave that hit me was when we refinanced our home loan. Long story short, refinancing cut off our construction loan and with the new, tighter lending restrictions due to the economy we are unable to get the last draw we'd planned on getting added to the new loan. So we are left with a huge credit card balance that we had planned to pay off with that draw. (It's so backwards - the bank wanted us to complete the work before we could get the money for it. So we paid for it and now we don't get the money.) Anyway, this unexpected debt pretty much ensures me going back to work nearly full-time. And this breaks my heart. Breaks it into tiny little pieces, grinds them into powder, bakes them into a loaf of broken heart bread where a heartless, ugly ogre eats it, digests it, and then....well, you get the picture. So I've been picking up extra shifts at the hospital and will continue to do so until I can add hours to my current job or find another position that is enough hours. Of course, I've already talked about the downside of me working so you know how I feel about working more.

After working 6 of 8 days, I was hit with this second wave tsunami: the Montana plane crash that killed 14. It was a devastating event to be sure, but even more so when I logged onto my Facebook account and learned that the victims were people I had once known. I went to high school with two of the girls (who were sisters) and one of the brothers of another victim. As if having three whole families wiped out isn't mind-bending enough, to actually have known them is another. I don't claim to have been close friends with them in or out of high school, but the mere fact that I walked the same piece of earth with them makes me feel connected, if only by a very thin gossamer thread. I'm at a loss to explain or justify the absolute grief I've felt since learning of the crash. I've reconnected with many high school classmates thru Facebook over the months and the shockwave of sadness that has washed over everyone has just left me feeling hollow and very, very sad. The families have been in my daily thoughts and prayers because I have nothing else to offer. If you are the praying type, I would ask that you pray for them too. Because how does one family recover from losing two daughters, two sons-in-law and five grandchildren?? I can't imagine. The work and days ahead for those left behind will be excruciating, to say the least.

Throw in some probable Seasonal Affective Disorder, a general sense of discontent and feeling alone, a son who is practically begging to be homeschooled, working opposite shifts and feeling like I never get enough time with my family, and being cold ALL THE TIME and you have a perfect recipe for an emotional hangover.

I'm working to make it better, if only in my head, and I know that there is hope and resolution and solutions that will come so don't call the looney squad on me just yet.

And thanks for listening.

Midnight Intruder

I awoke with a start last night, to Hubby standing in the middle of the bedroom, talking to me rather excitedly. It took me a minute to clear the cobwebs and comprehend what he was saying. Something about a tail sticking out of a cupboard and his need for some pliers.

I heard him in the kitchen and my mind finally registered what he was talking about.

The other day he was taking the garbage out from under the kitchen sink and said "I think I see some mouse droppings under here." Oh great. We have mice. When we were still in the construction phase, the garage door got left open one night and after that we started seeing tiny little mouse footprints in the sawdust, as well as droppings. We put traps around and actually caught three or four of the critters. Not too much later we moved in, with our two cats, and haven't had a problem since. Until the other day. We'd been noticing Murphy the cat sitting in front of the kitchen sink, watching the cupboard rather intently too and figured our furry friends were back. So Josh put a trap under the sink.

And apparently we had a visitor last night. Whose midnight adventures didn't end well.

The story was relayed to me that Hubby heard something clattering around in the kitchen and went out to investigate where he saw a tail sticking out of the cupboard door. First he went and got Murphy off of Sam's bed, as backup I guess, and then went and got pliers with which to grab the invading rodent, only to discover that Mr. Mouse was caught in the trap by his leg and not dead. Hence the clattering around under the sink. So Hubby grabbed the mouse and the trap and took them outside, where he tossed the whole thing into a puddle. While Hubby was outside taking the mouse to meet his Maker, Murphy was inside crying and caterwauling about not being able to do his duty and take care of the mouse himself. I appreciate the interest but would rather not find mouse parts scattered all over my kitchen first thing in the morning.

Ah, the joys of country livin'.

Happy Monday!

Big Plans

I have always been the type of person to dream big. To conjure up crazy ideas, become wildly infatuated with them, made grandiose plans, and then move onto the next idea. I can remember back to high school when trying to decide what I wanted to "be" when I grew up that all kinds of ideas went thru my head. At one point I decided that I should be an aeronautical engineer because my dream of being a fighter pilot was impossible (not sure how being an aeronautical engineer was the next best thing).

Oh, wait. You didn't know I wanted to be a fighter pilot? Oh man, was that ever an obsession. During my late teenage years, say 16-18, I was enthralled with all things jet. Living in Southern California at the time, there were quite a few military air stations around and you can bet your bottom I went to every single air show there was. I even saw an F-5 jet crash once. Instead of having posters of the latest hunky heartthrobs on my bedroom walls, I had posters of jets. Seriously. (Have I not told you before that I'm a huge dork??) I read books on the subject, and picked the brain of anyone and everyone I came into contact with who was remotely associated with flying.

I remember once my sister went on a date with a guy that was a flight surgeon in the Air Force - I was living with her at the time - and they came back to her house after their dinner out, and I proceeded to monopolize the poor guy for an hour, blathering on about flying and jets and spewing out probably inaccurate facts and statistics about my obsession. I seem to remember the guy looking at me like I had a third eye the whole time we were talking. And I don't think my sister ever dated him again. Hmmm.

Anyway, I digress.

My point is that there is SO much out there that I want to do and try, and my brain flies from one idea to the next with frightening speed, that it sometimes appears that I have no "follow-through". Maybe I have no focus, or a touch of Attention Deficit Disorder, and I know that it's probably tiring to listen to me get SO excited and worked up about something, convincing you that THIS is what I'm going to do, when two weeks later, I'm onto something else. But, it's who I am. I have a passion for life and know that there is so much out there waiting for me to do and try, that I sometimes just don't know where to start.

Being the mother of two small kids has obviously been my focus for the last 6+ years, and I've done it willingly. But now that they are getting bigger, and more independent, and easier to manage, I feel the tug to get back to doing things. One of my biggest fears before having kids was that it would completely consume me, change me, erase who I truly was. And while that old Johnson & Johnson commercial is true - "Having a baby changes everything" - it didn't erase who I was. It erased how I used to look at things, how I prioritized things, but I'm still ME. I'm still the crazy, slightly ADD, energetic, "what's next?" girl. And I've decided that if I'm not going to be adding to our family, it's time to get back out there and continue exploring the world and all it has to offer. I want challenges and adventures and goals and spontanaeity and plans to look forward to. Life is too damn short to just sit around.

So. That being said, my first challenge is I'm going for a walk in June. A 13-mile walk. A half marathon. I am NOT a runner, never have been, and I know better than to fool myself into thinking it's something I'm capable of. But I've always wanted the challenge of doing something like this and the personal satisfaction of being able to say "I did a half marathon". My good friend Heather and I have signed up to do the Rock 'n Roll Seattle Half Marathon the end of June and we're both really excited about it. As soon as the weather cooperates and warms up above, say, FREEZING, we'll get out there and start training. We both have an online training program all set up and we're itching to get started. We're financially committed to do it, so there's no backing out or changing our minds. Plus, we have each other to motivate us and keep us going. Both our hubbys are totally supportive of this endeavor, which makes all the difference. We'll take the kids with us when we can, but there are gonna be some long training walks where it's not gonna be productive to drag kids along.

I don't know what else I'll come up with in this new frame of mind, but I'm sure it'll be something. It always is. :)

Go Fly a Kite

I've been kind of mired down with a snotty cold the last few days and combined with working until 11:30pm, I just haven't had much energy. Yesterday what energy I could muster went into folding the eleventy jillion loads of clean laundry that were threatening to avalanche and bury the nearest passerby (which was always ME since I'm the only one who apparently knows where the laundry room IS). I finally looked it square in the eye and said "FINE." And just to show it that I was serious, I even washed a couple more loads. I guess I showed it, huh? But I'm happy to report, our closets and drawers are now all full of clean and folded clothes. For the moment.

Today my empty cupboards were crying for food and my head screaming for cold medicine, so I packed up the kids and headed to Wal-Mart. Surprisingly, it was an uneventful trip and we made it home in one piece. While cruising the aisles, we came across some kites and I remembered what Zoë had said the other morning when we headed out into the wind to take Sam to school: "We need to get a kite, Momma." So we did. As soon as we got home and unloaded the groceries, we bundled up and headed out to try out our new flying tropical fish.

It was quite windy, which made for great kite-flying, but dang, it was cold! When we were in town shopping it had actually started to hail/sleet/snow so I knew the temperature was dropping.
We all took turns flying the kite and the kids had a great time. It was definitely windy enough to keep our fish afloat and Sam even managed to do a few loop-de-loops with it.

Even though it was short-lived because of the cold wind, it was nice to be outside and let the kids run around and burn off some energy.

To say we can't wait for Spring is an understatement.