Summertime

So, it's finally summer!  Or at least, some days it is.  Our weather has been so wierd this year but we're soaking up the sunshine when it's here!

We invested in a pool this year and got it set up, hoping that we'd have some heat to warm it up.  A couple days was all the kids could wait before they HAD to get in it.  They didn't stay in very long because it was COLD, but when the temperatures finally got about 70° it warmed up and they've been having a ball ever since.

Ahhh....how I love summer.

The Gift

Over the last few months, I have changed. Mentally, emotionally, physically. I wrote awhile ago about the criticism I've received over my appearance. It hurt. And it made me feel isolated and unable to share my pride and excitement over the results I've seen. I'm pretty much over it now.

And that last little smidge of hurt and self-conciousness that remained has been erased.  One afternoon, in just a few minutes spent with a best friend and her camera, any doubt or embarrassment I felt about myself VANISHED.

I still am far from perfect.  I have stretch marks and flab, wrinkles and gray hairs. 

But the woman you see in these pictures is a woman who is comfortable in her body.  Who knows what it is capable of and is eager to push it even further. Who appreciates what she's got and how she got there.  Who recognizes that the criticisms hurled at her are based in jealousy and insecurity.

Whether anyone else sees those things when they look at me, I don't know. I actually don't care.  All that matters is that I see them.  And what a gift it is that I finally do.

Acceptance

I read a great article written by Kristen Armstrong for Runner's World that made me say a big ol' outloud "AMEN!".  Here are the parts that really had me nodding my head in agreement:

"An interesting thought occurred to me about photographs.

Have you ever noticed the way people, particularly women, look back at old photographs of themselves and are wistful? "Oh, I looked so young then!" "Look at my skin!" (*sigh*) "Good grief, I was so skinny! And here I thought I was heavy at the time!" "Awww, look at us, just gorgeous. We had no clue."

No one ever really mentions that just as we had no clue at the time, there might exist the possibility that we have no clue right now. Captured moments of today are the wistfulness of tomorrow. I guarantee that just as we can look back at a photo from ten years ago and appreciate ourselves, ten years from now we will look at a photo from today and think the same damn thing. How come nobody brings this up? Wouldn't this awareness bring us a certain measure of peace?

Can you imagine the liberation if we could just appreciate ourselves right now? Who we are, where we are, what we look like? If we could just look in the mirror long enough for a basic once-over and a smile-wink and be done with it? If we were too content and confident to critique? "

"Savor yourself. Cut yourself some slack. Appreciate your beauty. Wink at yourself in the mirror. Tell your husband he has nice buns. Tell your wife she's hotter than she was yesterday. Tell your children how you see them. Tell your parents thank you. Remind your friends who they are.

After all, ten years from now, right now will be ten years ago. Moments are like fireflies. You are a runner, so go chase them. Cup them carefully in your hands and watch the glow seep through your fingers. Don't miss it."

I so wish that all women could embrace this idea, could appreciate and value themselves as they are.  Society & the media have dictated too damn long what is beautiful or good or perfect, or what size/shape we should be.  Why do we measure ourselves against some unachieveable standard, when that standard is most likely airbrushed and Photoshopped??  Why do we focus on one little perceived flaw and ignore the scads of wonderful things that we are? 

I had the pleasure of yet again running with my friend Paula this weekend and she said something that has stuck with me.  I was pointing out to her something I was a bit self-conscious about and she said to me "Nobody sees it but you, Kate."  After thinking about it I realized that she was right.  If I continue pointing out my "flaws" to people then that is indeed what they will see when they look at me. 

And I don't know about you but that's not something I really want.

Addiction

I cleaned off my nightstand the other day and realized I have a problem.  I have been stashing all these books on the bottom shelf as I get them, adding them to my growing "To Read" list.  It wasn't until I pulled them all out and dusted things off that I realized that I had TWENTY FOUR books stacked up! 

I've put myself on Book Restriction and I'm not allowed to browse the internet for Books I Want anymore. 

Or at least until I get thru some of these ones.

Life Lessons

I learned how to be independent and self-reliant from my mom.
Because she was too wrapped up in her pain and making life appear perfect to nurture or encourage me.

I learned how to shrug off the teasing and name-calling.
Because hurt feelings and tears garnered me no sympathy.

I learned how to stand up on my own two feet, make my way and fix my own problems.
Because I had no shoulder to cry on, no safe place to fall.

I learned to put on a happy face, even when my heart was breaking.
Because appearances are more important than truth.

I learned to make people laugh.
Because their laughter was a reward and validation of my existence.

I learned at a young age I wanted to be physically strong and capable and tough.
Because I was once little and helpless and was violated.

I learned how to be proud of myself.
Because I never heard "I'm proud of you."

Springing

I saw this little dandelion, standing all alone, at the bottom of a hill near my garden boxes.  And while I typically don't care for dandelions, this picture just makes me happy for some reason.  Maybe because it embodies spring.  I don't know.  I just like it.

Last year I planted a couple lilac bushes (they're my favorite flower, ya know) and they actually are blooming this year!

I'd forgotten what color they were and just love what a beautiful surprise they've turned out to be. And the smell...oh my. Intoxicating.

Schooling

It is 1:00pm on a Wednesday and I am *still* in my pajamas.  My house is a disaster, my children are *still* in their pajamas, there is laundry to do, I have a stack of books to read, we've not actually eaten a meal today - just snacked- and my legs need shaving.

This is what homeschooling has done to me. 

But truth be told, I think we're doing okay.  We're starting to see a bit of a routine emerge, we're figuring out what works and what doesn't, what we like and what we don't.  We love being able to go outside when the sun in shining and play a quick game of tetherball, or eating our lunch on the deck, or watching a tv program that relates to what we're studying.  I'm finding that everything throughout the day is a learning opportunity.  Going to the grocery store, picking out plants for our garden, planting seeds are all teachable moments.  I find that I'm very aware that I'm the teacher now and that I can use any situation or experience to impart some kind of knowledge. 

We've relocated my computer and desk upstairs to the bonus room so that we have more space.  Some of what we do requires the computer and my little office space just wasn't big enough to include a work area for Sam.  Now we have lots of room, with bright daylight and we can leave our mess spread out over various tables.  (This is SO much better than cluttering up my dining room table and island.) 

It's a new way of life - a new never-child-free way of life - but we're adjusting to it. It's not just me and my previous routine that have had to adjust; Sam is getting used to me being the teacher AND the momma.  We butt heads occasionally but I have the advantage of inflicting more meaningful punishment than his teacher at school (i.e. taking away video game or TV privileges), but I also love him unconditionally and I hope that that shines through.