Time Flies

Holy Crap!  It's 2011!  And I have a blog!  Where have I been?!!

Oh yah.  BUSY.

Anyway, the thought has been running through my mind more frequently that I should update this thing.  Not that anybody reads, but that's not really why I need to update it.  I want to record these moments in time so that I can look back and remember. 

So quick trip down recent memory lane...

Homeschooling:  Going WELL.  OMG, I am totally loving it (most days).  I alternately feel like I'm not doing enough for/with Sam and like I'm doing way better than the public school.  But reports from his teacher/counselor at school indicate that we're doing fine.  In his teacher's words he's BRIGHT, friendly, making friends, interacting and a real pleasure.  Active in the classroom but not naughty.  Such a different report and view than what we got from public school.  So.  I'm totally happy with that situation and looking forward to schooling Zoe next year too.  I love the little school we are part of and have made some great friends there.  I suspect we're never gonna want to leave it.

Running/Health:  I'm getting back into the swing of things, forcing myself to make time to run and get to the gym.  I'd like to do a 1/2 on Mothers' Day in preparation for the Seattle 1/2 in June.  I maintained my weight/size over the winter in spite of not exercising much or with any regularity and now I'm ready to ramp it back up.  I can tell I've lost muscle definition and I want it back.  I've had NO ITB pain.  We bought a 1/2 a beef this winter from J's uncle, so it was raised in a pasture and we know what it ate, and how it was treated and butchered.  It's damn good meat.  I've been really good with my diet (not "diet" as in losing weight, but as in the choices I'm making).  I'm eating a ton of vegetables and whole grain foods, although I'll admit an addiction to a particular brand of tortilla chips that I'm powerless to resist.  I maybe will have one drink every week or two, but otherwise am sticking to coffee and water.  LOTS of coffee.

Family:  Everyone's good.  We celebrated my dad's 70th birthday with a dinner out and a nice evening back at their house.  We're so blessed to still have him and he's doing great.  J hasn't been working much, which has been stressful, but at the moment he's got a little work.  I do alot of praying these days in regards to his employment.  I have moments of extreme terror knowing the possibilities that lurk just around the corner if work doesn't pick up.  Fortunately, he's branching his job search out instead of just focusing on electrical work.  And I do ALOT of praying.

Kids:  Zoe is Zoe.  She's silly, sweet, incredibly clever and funny, well-mannered, so loving and just a totally nice little girl.  She's my little shadow, preferring to spend her time with me to practically anything else.  She's lost the clinginess of her younger years, but now I think just loves to be with me.  There's not much I do that I don't have my helper with me, chores included.  She's loves school and is looking forward to kindergarten next year.  Sam is growing up, at 8.5 now.  In January I started taking him to a play therapist to see if it would help him sort out some of his frustrations and whatever else may be bugging him.  We have been INCREDIBLY pleased with this form of therapy, and it's been wildly successful for him.  The combination of homeschool and therapy have really been working wonders on him.  He's so much happier, content, affectionate and communicative.  There are still things we are working on (things I didn't even know were bugging him), but I totally believe he'll continue to improve and evolve into an incredible young man.  He's so intelligent and creative, curious and witty, and has such a sweet heart that I just watch him in awe and can't believe he's mine.  That boy is so special.

I still have too many books to read, too many projects I want to start/finish, too many races I want to run, and too many friends that I never get to spend time with.  It's still a crazy life.  And I still love it.

Catching My Breath

Happy November! Hard to believe that the holidays are just around the corner and that we’re nearing the end of 2010. The last couple months have FLOWN by. And by flown, I mean I barely remember any specifics of September and October save a haunting memory of frantic desperation and barely grasped control. In the words of a friend, “It’s all a shitty blur.”

However, I can confidently say that I am beginning to feel like I’m tentatively regaining control of my life again. I may completely jinx myself by saying as much, but I think things are starting to level out. Life is falling into a bit of a routine – albeit a completely crazy routine – but at least nothing is really popping up and scaring surprising me any more.  I feel like I'm finally catching my breath.

Deciding to homeschool Sam completely turned our lives upside down. It has required a whole new mindset and approach to our days and while early on it caused me a bit of anxiety and frustration, I know now that we absolutely, without a doubt, made the right decision. I don’t think we realized exactly how unhappy and miserable Sam was at his previous school. Yes, he cried and complained and begged not to go to school but aside from his vocal complaints, I don’t think we realized how connected his unhappiness and some of his behaviors were. I’d always maintained that school was killing his confidence but I had no idea how bad it was. Kind of like you have no idea how bad your eyes are until you get glasses and can see all you’ve been missing.

My little boy, who a few months ago was unwilling to try anything new, to accept a compliment, to verbalize happiness or satisfaction, whose automatic response to most everything was negative or derogatory, who would get so frustrated and upset that he’d clench his fists and shake and cry and say “I’m so stupid!”…well, that boy is gone.

In his place a sweet little boy has re-emerged. He is happy and silly. He is willing and almost eager to try new things, demonstrating the return of his confidence. He is cooperative and compliant when asked to do chores around the house. He is content and expressive of his happiness. He is compassionate and affectionate with us. He’s even showing signs of being self-motivated in his schoolwork.

I’ll tell you what. I will keep up this frenetic pace and selfless and incessantly hard work for the rest of my days if it means having that little boy happy again. I questioned myself so many times about whether I was making the right decision in regards to his schooling, whether I would do him more harm than good, whether I had it in me to do this thing, whether I could be that selfless. And I’ve learned that while I don’t have all the answers and that some days I fumble about trying to get it right, I do have the secret to making it all work: desire. I want this. I want to homeschool my kids. I want to see them happy and content and confident. I want them to see how important they are to me and that I will willingly will do whatever it takes to do what’s best for them. I want the crazy that goes with this life.

Because honestly? It’s crazy GOOD.

Thinking Outloud

I'm supposed to be training for another half marathon, which is in two weeks.  And I've run precisely ONCE in the last week.  Hmmm. 

Currently I'm in mental discussions with myself about whether I should even try to do it.  1. Some friends from work are going and I'd love to go hang out with them and do this.  It'd be a little kid-free break with girlfriends and that alone is very enticing.  2. My goal for the year was to do 2-4 races and I've only done one.  3. There's no rule that says I have to run the whole thing. Obviously. But I know myself and I'm afraid that once I get out there my competitive spirit will kick in and I'll push myself.  4. The date of the race is 10/10/10 and that's just cool. I want a shirt with that date on it. 

I should be able to get a few runs in in the next couple weeks. I was able to change my schedule at work so that I work the same days each week, which will help tremendously with all that's going on in my life.  Or at least I hope it will.

I need to just go do this race. I want to.  The company alone will make whatever pain I inflict on myself worth it.  Besides, I don't think Paula will let me NOT do it. 

It'll Get Easier

I may have spoke too soon in my last post about crazy suiting me.

Holy schnikeys.

The crazy has gotten CRAZY. 

I'm not checking myself into a padded cell just yet, but I sure hope a month from now things have settled into some kind of routine.  Or even that I'll be used to this kind of crazy and it'll be the new normal. 

Because this is what my life looks like right now:

Mon/Wed/Fri - Zoe has preschool. Which means we need to be up, dressed, fed, washed and out the door by 9am.  And on at least a couple of those days, I have worked the night before and not gotten to sleep until around 12:30am.

Tue/Fri - Sam has school. Which means we need to be up, dressed, fed, washed, lunch & backpacked packed and out the door by 8:30am.  And on one of the days, I have worked the night before and not gotten to sleep until around 12:30am.

Mon/Wed/Thurs - Sam is home and we do homeschool.  Which means he whines, complains, cries, stomps and ignores me for a portion of the morning while I beg, plead, threaten, cajole and ignore him, trying to get him to do his work.

Mon/Wed - Both kids have swimming lessons right around dinner time in town.  I work one of the days which means Daddy has to get home from work, and turn around head to town to get them there on time. The other day means that I get to do the shuffle.

One week I work Mon/Tue/Fri, the next week I work Wed/Thurs, which means I have to leave home by about 2:20pm to get to work.  And since Hubby is working full-time right now (YAY!!!) and doesn't get home until 4-4:30pm, I have to get the kids over to my parents' or sister's house before leaving for work.

I am on the Newsletter Committee at work and am supposed to write the cover story this month, as well as gather other information for various features.

I am on the Practice Committee for my position at work and have to attend meetings in addition to my regular shifts as well as send updates to co-workers and write updates for the above mentioned newsletter.

Oh, and I'm also training for another half marathon which is in less than a month, which means that I should *technically* be running at least 3-4 times a week.  You know, in all my spare time.

Of course, there's all the fun housewifely stuff too.  You know, the laundry, the cleaning, the shopping, the bill paying, the cooking.

Don't get me wrong, I invited all this crazy into my life.  But boy, I didn't think it'd be like this.  I just keep telling myself that the schooling will settle into a routine and that soon I'll win the Lottery, quit my job and hire a maid and private tutor for the kids and that we'll all get adjusted to our new way of life. 

It'll get easier.  That's what I keep telling myself.

Life With a Side of Crazy

Boy, here we are.  Near the end of August.  I'm grabbing a minute to write because I know I won't have much of a chance for the next couple weeks.  The summer is wrapping up with a sprint to the finish.  Here are just the highlights:

~ My boy celebrated a birthday this last weekend.  For accomplishing the amazing feat of surviving for eight years in this family in this world, he was rewarded with copious amounts of Legos, Nerf guns and cash not to mention cake, ice cream sundaes and root beer floats.

~ My husband's 20th year high school class reunion was the same weekend.  For not having gone to the same school and only knowing a handful of folks who did, it was a pretty nice time.  Every one was very friendly and chatty and the food was good.  I was really hungry by the time the food was brought out and let's just say that if I'd been a heavier gal, folks would have been whispering about the amount of food and/or the number of trips I made to the buffet.  In my defense, I had run that morning and hadn't eaten much all day because of trying to get to the reunion on time.  So buffet time came, and I dove in.

~ We're approaching the start of our first year of truly homeschooling.  I was feeling a bit of anxiety about it, considering I had NOT spent the summer gathering curriculum as I intended, but then I ventured into a local store that is chock full of not only homeschool curriculum, but a plethora of teaching aids, workbooks, games, and classroom supplies (i.e. bulletin board stuff!!) and my fears dissolved.  I had to firmly steer myself away from the pretty bulletin board decorations and other classroom wall items into the homeschool section.  And I'm so glad I did.  Within an hour, I had chosen our curriculum for the year and breathed a sigh of relief that it included a Teacher's Manual.  Hallelujah!  I don't have to try to figure out how to explain what a conjunction is, or how to multiply fractions!  The book basically has a script for me!  Needless to say, I feel MUCH better about our upcoming school year.  Not only do I get to buy school supplies (times two actually - some for school, some for home) but I get to buy workbooks and flashcards and pretty things for our walls!  It'll be like playing school!  But for real.    {gulp}     Uh oh.

~Running is going well.  I've been out several times this last week but only for about 3 miles at a whack.  I need to start upping those distances considering the next 1/2 marathon is in about four 1/2 weeks.  I'm definitely not going to be trying to PR this one but I really want to do it.  So I will and we'll see what happens.  Overall, it just feels great to be back out running.  I'm hoping that once the school year starts, I can get back to some kind of regular routine instead of just trying to squeeze in a run when I can.

~ My daughter's 5th birthday is Labor Day weekend.  We're thinking of heading east to the rodeo and to see family.  Although I think if that happens we may come home with pink cowboy boots.  (No, they wouldn't be for me.  Mine would be RED.)

All in all, it's been a full and fun summer.  We've hung out with friends, met some new ones, carried on some traditions, discovered new places and events, and basically just grabbed hold of life and held on for dear life.   And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Crazy suits me.

Destiny?

I've had the last week off of work and have enjoyed every minute of it.  We had no specific plans but I did want to try to run twice during that week to see how my knee would hold up, especially with only a couple days rest in between.

I'm happy to report that I had practically NO ITB pain!  WOOT!  I did a 30 minute run, paying attention to the levelness of the roads, and I was pain free.  Once I felt a twinge but as soon as I moved to more level ground, it went away.  Needless to say, I was about shouting with joy at being able to run again.  However, I can definitely tell a difference in my endurance so that'll have to be built back up.

The second run was three days later and a bit longer.  I think my legs were just hungry to RUN because I ran the fastest mile I've ever run (9:05) and even with walk breaks averaged a 10:18 pace over 3+ miles. 

Oh man, it just felt GOOD to run.  Yah, I was breathing pretty hard and my legs were protesting almost the entire time but it was GREAT.  Even now, when I'm driving home from town, I can't wait to get back out on my country roads and put in more miles.  I want to do my 10 mile route again, faster than last time.  I want to hit my driveway, exhausted, sweaty and drained and feel that sense of accomplishment again. 

I was talking to a friend about running while back, lamenting how I didn't think I'd ever BE a runner in spite of my efforts and she was, like, "Dude.  You ARE a runner.  Anyone who spends the amount of time you do reading about, thinking about, talking about, and planning runs IS a runner." 

I have to confess, I kind of think I was born to be a runner and I'm just now discovering it.  My mom said I was *running* at 9 months old:  not walking, but full out running. And she said I never fell.  As a kid I LOVED running downhill, crashing thru the woods and brush, teetering on the edge of losing control.  I have had dreams for years where I run and run like Forrest Gump and love that feeling of freedom. 

The more I run, the stronger I get, the more I want to run, the stronger I want to get.  I may never be the fastest, it may never truly be *easy*, but it doesn't matter.  Running has tattooed itself on me and I don't think it's gonna fade for a while.

Destiny, perhaps?

Waiting to Run

The Seattle Rock 'n Roll Half was over four weeks ago.  The local half is in eight weeks.  I've only run three times since Seattle and every time my IT band hurt.  Not as badly as during the race, and actually a bit less each time, but it still hurt.  The furthest I've run since Seattle is three miles. 

Every day I think about running.  Every day I think I'll give it another try.  Every day I worry about my knee hurting if I do run.  Every day I worry about losing the fitness I've achieved.  Every day I yearn for the freedom I feel when I'm able to just run and run.

But.  I know I'll get there.  I'm not giving up on this running gig.  I'm doing other things to hopefully combat my injury and prevent it from happening again.  I'm working on getting stronger.  My head is still very much in the game; I'm just waiting for my body to catch up.

It's just that patience has never been my strong suit.