Destiny?

I've had the last week off of work and have enjoyed every minute of it.  We had no specific plans but I did want to try to run twice during that week to see how my knee would hold up, especially with only a couple days rest in between.

I'm happy to report that I had practically NO ITB pain!  WOOT!  I did a 30 minute run, paying attention to the levelness of the roads, and I was pain free.  Once I felt a twinge but as soon as I moved to more level ground, it went away.  Needless to say, I was about shouting with joy at being able to run again.  However, I can definitely tell a difference in my endurance so that'll have to be built back up.

The second run was three days later and a bit longer.  I think my legs were just hungry to RUN because I ran the fastest mile I've ever run (9:05) and even with walk breaks averaged a 10:18 pace over 3+ miles. 

Oh man, it just felt GOOD to run.  Yah, I was breathing pretty hard and my legs were protesting almost the entire time but it was GREAT.  Even now, when I'm driving home from town, I can't wait to get back out on my country roads and put in more miles.  I want to do my 10 mile route again, faster than last time.  I want to hit my driveway, exhausted, sweaty and drained and feel that sense of accomplishment again. 

I was talking to a friend about running while back, lamenting how I didn't think I'd ever BE a runner in spite of my efforts and she was, like, "Dude.  You ARE a runner.  Anyone who spends the amount of time you do reading about, thinking about, talking about, and planning runs IS a runner." 

I have to confess, I kind of think I was born to be a runner and I'm just now discovering it.  My mom said I was *running* at 9 months old:  not walking, but full out running. And she said I never fell.  As a kid I LOVED running downhill, crashing thru the woods and brush, teetering on the edge of losing control.  I have had dreams for years where I run and run like Forrest Gump and love that feeling of freedom. 

The more I run, the stronger I get, the more I want to run, the stronger I want to get.  I may never be the fastest, it may never truly be *easy*, but it doesn't matter.  Running has tattooed itself on me and I don't think it's gonna fade for a while.

Destiny, perhaps?

Waiting to Run

The Seattle Rock 'n Roll Half was over four weeks ago.  The local half is in eight weeks.  I've only run three times since Seattle and every time my IT band hurt.  Not as badly as during the race, and actually a bit less each time, but it still hurt.  The furthest I've run since Seattle is three miles. 

Every day I think about running.  Every day I think I'll give it another try.  Every day I worry about my knee hurting if I do run.  Every day I worry about losing the fitness I've achieved.  Every day I yearn for the freedom I feel when I'm able to just run and run.

But.  I know I'll get there.  I'm not giving up on this running gig.  I'm doing other things to hopefully combat my injury and prevent it from happening again.  I'm working on getting stronger.  My head is still very much in the game; I'm just waiting for my body to catch up.

It's just that patience has never been my strong suit.

Summertime

So, it's finally summer!  Or at least, some days it is.  Our weather has been so wierd this year but we're soaking up the sunshine when it's here!

We invested in a pool this year and got it set up, hoping that we'd have some heat to warm it up.  A couple days was all the kids could wait before they HAD to get in it.  They didn't stay in very long because it was COLD, but when the temperatures finally got about 70° it warmed up and they've been having a ball ever since.

Ahhh....how I love summer.

The Gift

Over the last few months, I have changed. Mentally, emotionally, physically. I wrote awhile ago about the criticism I've received over my appearance. It hurt. And it made me feel isolated and unable to share my pride and excitement over the results I've seen. I'm pretty much over it now.

And that last little smidge of hurt and self-conciousness that remained has been erased.  One afternoon, in just a few minutes spent with a best friend and her camera, any doubt or embarrassment I felt about myself VANISHED.

I still am far from perfect.  I have stretch marks and flab, wrinkles and gray hairs. 

But the woman you see in these pictures is a woman who is comfortable in her body.  Who knows what it is capable of and is eager to push it even further. Who appreciates what she's got and how she got there.  Who recognizes that the criticisms hurled at her are based in jealousy and insecurity.

Whether anyone else sees those things when they look at me, I don't know. I actually don't care.  All that matters is that I see them.  And what a gift it is that I finally do.

Acceptance

I read a great article written by Kristen Armstrong for Runner's World that made me say a big ol' outloud "AMEN!".  Here are the parts that really had me nodding my head in agreement:

"An interesting thought occurred to me about photographs.

Have you ever noticed the way people, particularly women, look back at old photographs of themselves and are wistful? "Oh, I looked so young then!" "Look at my skin!" (*sigh*) "Good grief, I was so skinny! And here I thought I was heavy at the time!" "Awww, look at us, just gorgeous. We had no clue."

No one ever really mentions that just as we had no clue at the time, there might exist the possibility that we have no clue right now. Captured moments of today are the wistfulness of tomorrow. I guarantee that just as we can look back at a photo from ten years ago and appreciate ourselves, ten years from now we will look at a photo from today and think the same damn thing. How come nobody brings this up? Wouldn't this awareness bring us a certain measure of peace?

Can you imagine the liberation if we could just appreciate ourselves right now? Who we are, where we are, what we look like? If we could just look in the mirror long enough for a basic once-over and a smile-wink and be done with it? If we were too content and confident to critique? "

"Savor yourself. Cut yourself some slack. Appreciate your beauty. Wink at yourself in the mirror. Tell your husband he has nice buns. Tell your wife she's hotter than she was yesterday. Tell your children how you see them. Tell your parents thank you. Remind your friends who they are.

After all, ten years from now, right now will be ten years ago. Moments are like fireflies. You are a runner, so go chase them. Cup them carefully in your hands and watch the glow seep through your fingers. Don't miss it."

I so wish that all women could embrace this idea, could appreciate and value themselves as they are.  Society & the media have dictated too damn long what is beautiful or good or perfect, or what size/shape we should be.  Why do we measure ourselves against some unachieveable standard, when that standard is most likely airbrushed and Photoshopped??  Why do we focus on one little perceived flaw and ignore the scads of wonderful things that we are? 

I had the pleasure of yet again running with my friend Paula this weekend and she said something that has stuck with me.  I was pointing out to her something I was a bit self-conscious about and she said to me "Nobody sees it but you, Kate."  After thinking about it I realized that she was right.  If I continue pointing out my "flaws" to people then that is indeed what they will see when they look at me. 

And I don't know about you but that's not something I really want.

Addiction

I cleaned off my nightstand the other day and realized I have a problem.  I have been stashing all these books on the bottom shelf as I get them, adding them to my growing "To Read" list.  It wasn't until I pulled them all out and dusted things off that I realized that I had TWENTY FOUR books stacked up! 

I've put myself on Book Restriction and I'm not allowed to browse the internet for Books I Want anymore. 

Or at least until I get thru some of these ones.

Life Lessons

I learned how to be independent and self-reliant from my mom.
Because she was too wrapped up in her pain and making life appear perfect to nurture or encourage me.

I learned how to shrug off the teasing and name-calling.
Because hurt feelings and tears garnered me no sympathy.

I learned how to stand up on my own two feet, make my way and fix my own problems.
Because I had no shoulder to cry on, no safe place to fall.

I learned to put on a happy face, even when my heart was breaking.
Because appearances are more important than truth.

I learned to make people laugh.
Because their laughter was a reward and validation of my existence.

I learned at a young age I wanted to be physically strong and capable and tough.
Because I was once little and helpless and was violated.

I learned how to be proud of myself.
Because I never heard "I'm proud of you."