Tired

I haven't the creative juices this morning to string together any witty repartee because my job has sucked the life out of me.  I picked up some extra hours this week which left me with only one day off and a couple particulary long shifts, back to back.  Over the last two days I've worked 26 hours.  The day before that I did my normal 8 and today I have a measly 8 hours to grind out.  So all in all, I will have worked 42 hours in 4 days time.  I think the total for the 7-day week is 58 hours. 

I used to do this almost every week when I was in my 20's.  I worked two jobs and typically worked 19-20 days in a row every month without a day off, most of those days being 12-14 hour days.  Ah, youth....

Hopefully I won't be having to pick up many extra hours in the future because thankfully my hubby has found a full-time job.  Work has been kind of patchy for over a year now and we've really been struggling financially.  It could have been so much worse, I know.  There are thousands of people out there who are losing everything, but it sure wasn't fun every month stressing about how we were gonna pay the mortgage.  But we paid it.  Every month.  So now, I think we can start to breathe a bit easier and Momma can get back to doing what she does best - taking care of her family.

And sleeping.

Acceptance

I read a great article written by Kristen Armstrong for Runner's World that made me say a big ol' outloud "AMEN!".  Here are the parts that really had me nodding my head in agreement:

"An interesting thought occurred to me about photographs.

Have you ever noticed the way people, particularly women, look back at old photographs of themselves and are wistful? "Oh, I looked so young then!" "Look at my skin!" (*sigh*) "Good grief, I was so skinny! And here I thought I was heavy at the time!" "Awww, look at us, just gorgeous. We had no clue."

No one ever really mentions that just as we had no clue at the time, there might exist the possibility that we have no clue right now. Captured moments of today are the wistfulness of tomorrow. I guarantee that just as we can look back at a photo from ten years ago and appreciate ourselves, ten years from now we will look at a photo from today and think the same damn thing. How come nobody brings this up? Wouldn't this awareness bring us a certain measure of peace?

Can you imagine the liberation if we could just appreciate ourselves right now? Who we are, where we are, what we look like? If we could just look in the mirror long enough for a basic once-over and a smile-wink and be done with it? If we were too content and confident to critique? "

"Savor yourself. Cut yourself some slack. Appreciate your beauty. Wink at yourself in the mirror. Tell your husband he has nice buns. Tell your wife she's hotter than she was yesterday. Tell your children how you see them. Tell your parents thank you. Remind your friends who they are.

After all, ten years from now, right now will be ten years ago. Moments are like fireflies. You are a runner, so go chase them. Cup them carefully in your hands and watch the glow seep through your fingers. Don't miss it."

I so wish that all women could embrace this idea, could appreciate and value themselves as they are.  Society & the media have dictated too damn long what is beautiful or good or perfect, or what size/shape we should be.  Why do we measure ourselves against some unachieveable standard, when that standard is most likely airbrushed and Photoshopped??  Why do we focus on one little perceived flaw and ignore the scads of wonderful things that we are? 

I had the pleasure of yet again running with my friend Paula this weekend and she said something that has stuck with me.  I was pointing out to her something I was a bit self-conscious about and she said to me "Nobody sees it but you, Kate."  After thinking about it I realized that she was right.  If I continue pointing out my "flaws" to people then that is indeed what they will see when they look at me. 

And I don't know about you but that's not something I really want.

Springing

I saw this little dandelion, standing all alone, at the bottom of a hill near my garden boxes.  And while I typically don't care for dandelions, this picture just makes me happy for some reason.  Maybe because it embodies spring.  I don't know.  I just like it.

Last year I planted a couple lilac bushes (they're my favorite flower, ya know) and they actually are blooming this year!

I'd forgotten what color they were and just love what a beautiful surprise they've turned out to be. And the smell...oh my. Intoxicating.

Catch Up

Well, I guess it's time for my monthly post.  Ha.  Seriously, where has the last month gone? 

In an effort to get ya'll caught up on my riveting life, I'm resorting to that format which allows me to hop gracefully from one nonrelated topic to the next without any kind of meaningful segway, our friend the BULLET.

• I am so excited to be able to report PROGRESS with my attempts at becoming a runner.  Just about 6 weeks ago, I ran an entire mile for the first time in I-don't-know-how-many-years.  It wasn't easy and I really couldn't imagine a time when I'd comfortably run that distance, much less further, but holy moly friends, I AM THERE.  This last weekend, I ran 4.54 miles only stopping twice for a brief minute to drink some water. And even though that is a HUGE accomplishment that I never thought I was capable of, I still have doubts about my ability to go further.  Like, I think I may have reached my max.  But I'll keep trying.
• A fabulous side effect of all this running and eating healthy is the physical changes I'm seeing. I took my measurements about 18 months ago when I started going to the gym and I recently came across those measurements.  I whipped out my measuring tape to see if there'd been any change, not really expecting any major changes, but I think I counted a total of about 9 inches that I've lost!  I'm totally digging the muscles that are popping out in my legs.  A downside is that not many of my pants (or bras) are fitting very well anymore.  Yah, I know...woe is me.  :)
• Work is still rather slow for Josh, although we're hopeful that things will pick up with spring & summer approaching.  He's also applying for other jobs with other companies, but of course, with the economy the way it is, positions are at a premium.  So for now, I do alot of praying and try to have faith that it will all be okay.  But boy am I tired of barely hanging on.
• There are potentially some big changes on the horizon for us as a family.  Sam has really been struggling in school the last few months.  Issues that we dealt with the last half of last year are resurfacing, as well as new ones.  Academically, he's fine.  He scores at or above grade level in everything, yet he hates school.  Most mornings are a fight to get him ready and out the door, often involving tears and such a level of frustration on his part that it breaks my heart.  He struggles to pay attention, he struggles to stay focused on work, he struggles to sit still, he struggles to ignore his classmates bad behavior and language. We've seen his confidence in himself and his abilities go down, we've seen his attitude change, we've heard him using language we don't use at home, we've seen him lash out in frustration.  This whole situation is KILLING me so much that it's no wonder I suspect I have an ulcer.  I hate, hate, HATE that my sweet boy is having such a hard time; a boy that is SO quick-minded, so naturally curious, so sensitive.  He is learning to hate school because of external influences and expectations and I'm not sure we can allow that to happen much longer. 
• Yes, I think I have an ulcer.  I have a constant, gnawing pain in my stomach, which occasionally gives me chest pain. I feel hungry, bloated, and achy most of the time, yet when I eat it doesn't help.  I don't have much of an appetite and I'm constantly burping.  Pleasant, huh?  I had an ulcer back when I was 25 and remember feeling much the same way.  It was diagnosed with a blood test and I ended up taking 18 pills a day for two weeks. So I need to have that blood test again.  Which means I need to go to the doctor.  Which I hate doing. 
• I'm doing my very first 5k run in April.  It seems a little backwards to finally get around to doing a 5k considering I've completed two half marathons, but I WALKED those and intend on RUNNING this 5k.  So maybe it's not backwards at all.  I'm just starting out as a runner, so I guess a 5k is a good place to start.  And it's for a great cause:  the proceeds benefit the Behind the Badge Foundation, an organization that supports law enforcement and their families. 

Well, I guess that about sums it up.  Life is very full and busy these days, and probably will get more so with some upcoming changes, but what's a girl to do?

Monday Hodgepodge

It's Monday again.  This week, it's a good thing as it means a couple days off after working all weekend.   But a day off after working the last three means lots of catching up, laundry, cooking, cleaning and doing all the things that didn't get done.  So forgive me, but I'm resorting to a bulleted post because otherwise this post would be very random.

~When the calendar turned over to a new year, I renewed my dedication to better eating.  I figured if I'm going to be busting my behind trying to get in shape, the least I could do was not sabotage my efforts by rewarding myself with french fries every time I walked further than the bathroom.   So I've revamped my diet and have been keeping track of what I'm eating with this cool site.  For me, journaling what goes in my mouth keeps me aware of where I need to improve and helps me track important nutrients, like fiber and calcium.   I'm happy to report that in the last 10 days or so of doing this, my scale tells me I'm down 6 lbs.  My goal isn't to lose weight per se, just to make better choices and give my body better, healthier stuff in order to get the most out of my workouts.  Apparently, my body likes this and is rewarding me, which is okay with me.

~One of my goals for the year was to find a babysitter and I'm happy to report that I think I can cross that one of my list.  One of the mom's in Zoe's preschool class has a teenage daughter, and it occurred to me that maybe she would be interested in babysitting. So I talked to the mom who said that J, the daughter, had been asking her if she knew anyone who needed a babysitter.  I think it'll work out perfect: J has two little sisters of her own so is used to dealing with younger kids, she only lives about 6-7 minutes away, she's technically still in high school but is doing Running Start and has lots of free time.  She's going to come over this week to meet the kids, see where we live and get the lowdown and hopefully we can put her to work soon.  Date nights, coming up!

~Last Wednesday my puppy, Tessa, ran off to the neighbor's cow pasture and didn't come home.  I last saw her at about 3pm and both Hubby and I spent the evening looking for her, calling her, asking the neighbor's if they'd seen her, driving up and down the road, but to no avail.  To say I was upset, well...that would be an understatement.  I woke up at 5am with a crying hangover after a fitful attempt at sleep.  When Josh and my dad headed out to work that morning, he spotted Tess over in the same pasture where I'd last seen her and went over and got her.  I think she was actually stuck in the pasture and couldn't figure out how to get back to where she got in.  I was SO thankful to have her home again. Even though we've only had her about 6 months, I've gotten very attached to her and not having her underfoot felt like a member of the family was missing. 

~ I had a lovely day with my friend Paula last week and I think she's going to help me with my running.  Having done several marathons herself, and striving to do a 50k (which, uh, is like 31 miles), she assured me I could easily run a half.  Well, I'm not sure it'll be easy but it helps to have someone who's "been there, done that" on my team, who can help me train the right way.  I think she's going to be a bit of a taskmaster if/when I run with her, but it's probably what I need. 

And with that, it's time to work on another one of my goals:  less computer time. 

Bye!

Random Thoughts

It's Monday again and my friend Michelle has started Monday Mini Moments as a way to share a few thoughts to kick off the week.  Here's what I'm thinking about:

Have you ever heard of NieNie?  Well, read her amazing story here and then try telling me you're having a bad day.  I've followed her story since just after the crash and, well, I just can't fathom what she's been through.  She's such an inspiration and reading the *whole* story brought me to tears.

I think I'm about done with my Christmas shopping, which isn't saying much seeing as we're really only buying for our own kids.  Money is still tight so the kids are it.  I need to wrap some stuff to put under the tree as a form of torture the kids are eager to see some presents.

You'd think with being cooped up with my house due to cold weather, I'd use the opportunity to clean my house.  But no.  I basically did nothing yesterday.  Today I'm trying to make up for it.  So far I've scrubbed the kids' bathroom and washed the shower curtain liner.  Next up:  SHEETS and VACCUMING.

I need to go scour the garage to see if I have any Christmas cards stashed away.  I still need to get those suckers done.  I gave myself a Get Out of Jail Free card last year because we were in the midst of house and moving mayhem but this year I really need/want to get them sent.

It snowed yesterday and while pretty and festive, totally threw me into grizzly bear mode. I just want to eat and hibernate.  Time to turn on the happy light I guess.

Bullets

Instead of trying to write an actual blog post, I'm gonna go ahead and use those wonderful little formatting wonders knowns as bullets to try to touch on some of the highlights of recent weeks months.

• I completed my 2nd half marathon on September 27 in 3:05.  This was 15 minutes faster than my first half marathon time.  I was shocked to discover around mile 9 that I could possibly break the three hour mark.  Still didn't quite make it, but I was extremely happy with that time. I ran more of this race, hurt more during it, and recovered faster after it.  Ironic considering I trained less.
• After volunteering in my daughter's preschool class, I started having second thoughts as to her attendance. I was afraid that she wasn't getting anything educational out of it and that I instead was just paying for playtime for her. Now that a few more weeks have gone by, I see that there is some actual learning starting to happen.  And I also have figured out that this first year of preschool is really about getting used to the classroom, learning how to interact with others and listen to the teacher.  The book learning will come.
• My son is doing wonderfully in school, which makes me SO happy.  The last half of last year was such a struggle for us both that it is such a relief to have him look forward to school now, and to be so positive about it. 
• I joined the YMCA this month. My hope is to maintain a level of fitness through the winter and emerge in the spring ready to take on the next challenge.  I want to improve cardiovascularly, gain some muscle and definition, and firm things up.  40 is just around the corner.
• I have unearthed a few of my craft boxes and boy howdy, do I have some projects to finish!  I've also got a lot I want to start but I'm trying to restrain myself.
• I have 16 books beside my bed that I am waiting to read, and three new cookbooks on my desk to peruse.  Hello, my name is Kate and I am a book addict.  Nice to meet you.
• I started a book club at my work.  Somehow I and another co-worker are spearheading the thing and I need to set up our first meeting asap.  We are reading Ahab's Wife, or The Star Gazer by Sena Jeter Naslund.  It's a good story.
• I am hosting Thanksgiving dinner at my house for both my family and my husband's family. To date, we have 22 people who will be attending, including us. I don't own that many forks.  That is a problem.
• **WARNING** Female subject ahead - please skip if you are male, related to me, and/or are uncomfortable hearing about my anatomy.
• I had an IUD put in last November. I had it taken out in October.  It was making me cranky, irritable, mean, crazy, bloated, irrational and sad. Also, my hair was falling out and I had the skin of a hormonal teenager. I feel much better now.
• Ok, it's safe to read again.
• I went to Eastern WA a few weeks ago to visit friends and we canned 90 quarts of applesauce and juice in a day.  Now I fancy myself a pioneer woman and am intent on "putting up" as much of anything and everything I can.  I have roasted and pureed pumpkin, which is now in my freezer in handy one cup servings.  Next up:  apple pie filling, Oktoberfest beer mustard, and marinara sauce.  Hello, my name is Kate and I am a food hoarder. Or part squirrel. Or secretly Amish.
• While out with my daughter the other day, she looked up at me and said "Mommy, my heart hurts of love."
• I know what she means.

Falling

Fall is upon us.  Which means the cold has arrived.  Which means Kate is already freezing. 

I keep hearing that this is the year of El Nino and that we're in for a milder, drier, warmer winter.  But so far I'm not feeling it.  There was a biting cold Nor'easter wind blowing down out of Canada today that was swirling and howling around my house.  We've had a fire going in our Fireplace Xtrordinair almost daily for the last week or so and it has kept the house nice & toasty.  That thing puts out some serious heat when you get it going.  It's lovely.  (My husband would tell you it makes the house too hot, but he's crazy.  80° is a perfectly comfortable temperature for the house.)

Along with the weather change comes all the germy cold and flu bugs.  To date, I have a cold which started out with a sore throat and now both the kids are complaining of tummyaches and headaches, although that's as far as it's gone - complaining.  Both of the kids have had the regular flu vaccination; Sam got the flu mist up the nose and Zoe got an actual shot.  She'll have to have a 2nd one, though, as this is the first time she's gotten the flu shot.  I *think* I'll be getting them the H1N1 vaccination when it becomes available.  With all the information and hype that's out there, it's hard to know what to do.  I had a really good discussion with our pediatrician at Zoe's 4 year checkup and I feel better about them having it, but I still can't say I'm 100% sure.  Like any parent, I want to protect my kids but what if the so-called "protection" ends up causing more problems than what you're trying to protect against?? 

Anyway, as much as I cringe at the falling temps and the inevitable illnesses, I love the fall.  We live in such a beautiful area and the trees are turning the most gorgeous shades of red, orange and gold. There's a hint of woodsmoke in the air and the outside is taking on a musty, earthy smell.  The skies are filled with the sounds and shapes of birds heading south to warmer climes.  As everything starts to wind down for a long winter's nap, I start thinking of projects to work on, things to keep me busy while I'm waiting indoors for the return of summer.  And, of course, there's the holidays.

I'm so excited to be in our new house this holiday season.  We missed out on celebrating Christmas in The Red House last year because of the snow, but this year, even if it does snow, we'll be there, all tucked safe & warm inside.  And we've invited both our families to join us for a big Thanksgiving Feast at our house.  It's going to be a holiday to remember, for sure.  I can't wait.

What is your favorite thing about fall?

My Dad

This is my dad.

And if a picture is worth 1,000 words, this absolutely sums him up. Whatever words spring to mind when looking at this picture are probably 100% accurate.

I've written here about my dad several times and what a special relationship we have. So much of who I am is because of him. By example, he has taught me to work hard, put family first, keep smiling, be honest & fair, always look on the bright side and, maybe most importantly, to enjoy life.

My dad had his first heart attack at the age of 42. It was shortly before my 12th birthday, and if it hadn't of been for friends of our family being involved in his medical care, and working desperately and tirelessly to save his life when he went into cardiac arrest, he wouldn't be here today.

He had his second heart attack nine years later. It was shortly before my 21st birthday, and if it hadn't of been for my sister who'd become an intensive care nurse, recognizing the symptoms and insisting he go to the hospital when he himself thought it was just indigestion, he probably wouldn't be here today.

He's endured two open heart surgeries, multiple other tests and procedures, and lives with a heart that is only 50% functioning. He has outlived all his brothers, even though he is the only one to have had a heart attack and such a complex cardiac history. When I was a baby, his own father died in his arms of a heart attack as they were coming back from a father-son day of fishing.

If there ever were a shining example of living by choice, my dad is it. He has had the lion's share of pain and suffering, both physical and emotional, and yet he continues to be positive and downright happy. I've seen so many people who have had half the misfortune he's had spend their lives wallowing in self-pity and negativity. But not Dad. Every day is a new adventure, a new opportunity to make memories and spend time with people he loves, doing what he loves.

He himself will tell you he's living on borrowed time. He makes very few excuses for doing whatever the heck he wants, choosing to spend whatever time he has here on earth being happy and grateful. I can't tell you how much I admire that.

The night before my dad walked me down the aisle to marry my husband a thought occurred to me: What would have become of me had my dad died during that first heart attack? What would my life have been like? It's a thought I can barely stand to imagine, but I know that I wouldn't be the woman I am today, with the rich and loving memories that I carry in my heart, and the joie de vivre that he nurtured in me.

The other day I was hanging out with my dad and he yet again joked that I was going to get sick of seeing him now that we're neighbors. And, yet again, I reassured him that that was impossible. He turned to me, with a grin similar to the one above, and said "I know how you feel about me." "How's that?" I asked, grinning myself. "I know how you feel about me," he said, "because I felt the same way about my dad. I couldn't spend enough time with him or do enough for him. I was always with him."

With tears stinging my eyes, all I could do was nod. He does know.

And that's all that matters.

Lost & Found

I seem to have lost my blogging mojo. Anyone seen it?

Seriously, I still think like a blogger...."Man, I totally should be taking pictures of this to blog!" or "This would make great blog fodder!". But somehow when I sit down at the computer, the words just aren't flying out of my fingers the way they used to.

I'll be honest, life has just conspired against me and has been demanding my attention elsewheres. I've been making a conscious effort to be more involved with Sam in an effort to improve his attitude towards school, which has totally worked to such an extent that his teacher emailed me asking if I'd noticed that he was way more positive about school. He's even told me several times "I love school, Mom!". And with the weather getting nicer, we're not stuck indoors all the live long day which then translates to less time on the computer.

Anyway, today I was cleaning out my email inbox and ended up going back to read some previous posts and it's kind of inspired me to write again. I was feeling a little frustrated because it felt like no one was reading what I was writing, and as we all know, as bloggers we LIVE for comments, which are the only way we know anyone is reading. It's nice to have that validation that Hey! I'm not talking to myself again! A tip for those of you who don't have blogs of your own: you can comment anonymously by clicking on "Anonymous" below the comment box. Then just sign your comment with your name and I'll know who you are!

******************************
In an effort to get you up to speed on my life, here are some bulleted highlights of what I've been up to:

• Hubby & I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary yesterday. We went for drinks and appys down at the marina, then to dinner at a little mexican joint, which had tasty sangria which may or may not have contributed to the tiny headache I had when I woke up.


• I have been trying to do as much walking as possible in preparation for the half marathon I signed up to do the end of June with my friend Heather. Our longest walk so far has been 7.5 miles, which we've done twice. Time to up the distance. Unfortunately the weather and life have been thwarting our walking efforts but we're determined to get more miles in.


• Sam is still in swimming lessons and doing good. We had signed Zoë up for another session but the new class had a very cute boy teacher, and she wouldn't even get in the water. So I got my money back and we'll hope for a girl teacher next time.


• I went swimsuit shopping and was successful. Seriously, I got the cutest suit and it is so flattering. I might actually wear it in public.


• Only 16 more school days left!! I can't tell you how excited I am about that. I love summer.


• We're working to turn our yard into an actual yard with grass and flowerbeds instead of the mudpit it currently is. We had a load of topsoil brought in and spread and then it rained, which led to this:

In addition to the half marathon the end of June, I've also signed up to do a 7 mile race in July. Unfortunately, my walking partner found out she had a prior commitment after I'd already signed up so I guess I'll be walking alone. But whatever. (Totally kidding! Love you Heather!) Anyone want to walk with me?? Oh! And there's a 15k in September we I want to do. Hopefully not alone. (wink, wink..)

I have been picking up extra shifts at work while I wait to find a position with more hours. While I am still stressed about money, so far we're doing okay. I have faith it'll all work out.

Life is just really good. I am so incredibly blessed and I appreciate that fact every single day. I have my health as does my family, a gorgeous home that I love more every day, the sweetest husband who I am so proud of, two awesome kids, the best friends, a good paying job, and so much on the horizon to be excited about.

Sunshine on Shoulders Makes Me Happy

If you haven't noticed, I haven't been blogging much lately. Several factors are contributing to my writing delinquency. First, I just haven't been very inspired lately. Second, I've been trying to not be on the computer as much, especially in the evenings, in an effort to spend more time with the fam. Thirdly, the weather keeps trying to get warmer which then translates to me becoming less slothful.

Today is one of those days, where the sun is trying valiantly to raise the temperature above the 60° mark. I'd optimistically purchased some flowers and potting soil the other day so this morning the kids and I got those situated in their pots. Then my dad was over working at his house so I wandered over to see what he was up to. The kids soon followed and in their meanderings, they discovered a whole patch of "flowers" (aka dandelions).

Since I had my camera, I then wandered around taking pictures, playing with the aperture and such. There's a new lens that I'm really coveting but for now I'm making do with what I have.

It was so refreshing to be outside, the warmth of the sun on my back, dirt on my hands, listening to the birds. It's been a long, long winter and we're more than ready for a deep breath of Spring.

Staying Afloat

Wow, it's been two weeks since I've written anything. Geez. Sorry 'bout that. Not that you were all sitting on the edge of your seats, waiting with baited breath for me to post. But here I am again, so have no fear.

I have to admit, I've been in a bit of a funk lately, my mind swirling furiously with too many thoughts and emotions. The last two weeks have been kind of a "perfect storm" in my head and I've felt like I was drowning and unable to get to the life raft that was just feet away. Now, I'm simply treading water but at least my head's above water. (How's that for an analogy, huh?)

The first wave that hit me was when we refinanced our home loan. Long story short, refinancing cut off our construction loan and with the new, tighter lending restrictions due to the economy we are unable to get the last draw we'd planned on getting added to the new loan. So we are left with a huge credit card balance that we had planned to pay off with that draw. (It's so backwards - the bank wanted us to complete the work before we could get the money for it. So we paid for it and now we don't get the money.) Anyway, this unexpected debt pretty much ensures me going back to work nearly full-time. And this breaks my heart. Breaks it into tiny little pieces, grinds them into powder, bakes them into a loaf of broken heart bread where a heartless, ugly ogre eats it, digests it, and then....well, you get the picture. So I've been picking up extra shifts at the hospital and will continue to do so until I can add hours to my current job or find another position that is enough hours. Of course, I've already talked about the downside of me working so you know how I feel about working more.

After working 6 of 8 days, I was hit with this second wave tsunami: the Montana plane crash that killed 14. It was a devastating event to be sure, but even more so when I logged onto my Facebook account and learned that the victims were people I had once known. I went to high school with two of the girls (who were sisters) and one of the brothers of another victim. As if having three whole families wiped out isn't mind-bending enough, to actually have known them is another. I don't claim to have been close friends with them in or out of high school, but the mere fact that I walked the same piece of earth with them makes me feel connected, if only by a very thin gossamer thread. I'm at a loss to explain or justify the absolute grief I've felt since learning of the crash. I've reconnected with many high school classmates thru Facebook over the months and the shockwave of sadness that has washed over everyone has just left me feeling hollow and very, very sad. The families have been in my daily thoughts and prayers because I have nothing else to offer. If you are the praying type, I would ask that you pray for them too. Because how does one family recover from losing two daughters, two sons-in-law and five grandchildren?? I can't imagine. The work and days ahead for those left behind will be excruciating, to say the least.

Throw in some probable Seasonal Affective Disorder, a general sense of discontent and feeling alone, a son who is practically begging to be homeschooled, working opposite shifts and feeling like I never get enough time with my family, and being cold ALL THE TIME and you have a perfect recipe for an emotional hangover.

I'm working to make it better, if only in my head, and I know that there is hope and resolution and solutions that will come so don't call the looney squad on me just yet.

And thanks for listening.

Big Plans

I have always been the type of person to dream big. To conjure up crazy ideas, become wildly infatuated with them, made grandiose plans, and then move onto the next idea. I can remember back to high school when trying to decide what I wanted to "be" when I grew up that all kinds of ideas went thru my head. At one point I decided that I should be an aeronautical engineer because my dream of being a fighter pilot was impossible (not sure how being an aeronautical engineer was the next best thing).

Oh, wait. You didn't know I wanted to be a fighter pilot? Oh man, was that ever an obsession. During my late teenage years, say 16-18, I was enthralled with all things jet. Living in Southern California at the time, there were quite a few military air stations around and you can bet your bottom I went to every single air show there was. I even saw an F-5 jet crash once. Instead of having posters of the latest hunky heartthrobs on my bedroom walls, I had posters of jets. Seriously. (Have I not told you before that I'm a huge dork??) I read books on the subject, and picked the brain of anyone and everyone I came into contact with who was remotely associated with flying.

I remember once my sister went on a date with a guy that was a flight surgeon in the Air Force - I was living with her at the time - and they came back to her house after their dinner out, and I proceeded to monopolize the poor guy for an hour, blathering on about flying and jets and spewing out probably inaccurate facts and statistics about my obsession. I seem to remember the guy looking at me like I had a third eye the whole time we were talking. And I don't think my sister ever dated him again. Hmmm.

Anyway, I digress.

My point is that there is SO much out there that I want to do and try, and my brain flies from one idea to the next with frightening speed, that it sometimes appears that I have no "follow-through". Maybe I have no focus, or a touch of Attention Deficit Disorder, and I know that it's probably tiring to listen to me get SO excited and worked up about something, convincing you that THIS is what I'm going to do, when two weeks later, I'm onto something else. But, it's who I am. I have a passion for life and know that there is so much out there waiting for me to do and try, that I sometimes just don't know where to start.

Being the mother of two small kids has obviously been my focus for the last 6+ years, and I've done it willingly. But now that they are getting bigger, and more independent, and easier to manage, I feel the tug to get back to doing things. One of my biggest fears before having kids was that it would completely consume me, change me, erase who I truly was. And while that old Johnson & Johnson commercial is true - "Having a baby changes everything" - it didn't erase who I was. It erased how I used to look at things, how I prioritized things, but I'm still ME. I'm still the crazy, slightly ADD, energetic, "what's next?" girl. And I've decided that if I'm not going to be adding to our family, it's time to get back out there and continue exploring the world and all it has to offer. I want challenges and adventures and goals and spontanaeity and plans to look forward to. Life is too damn short to just sit around.

So. That being said, my first challenge is I'm going for a walk in June. A 13-mile walk. A half marathon. I am NOT a runner, never have been, and I know better than to fool myself into thinking it's something I'm capable of. But I've always wanted the challenge of doing something like this and the personal satisfaction of being able to say "I did a half marathon". My good friend Heather and I have signed up to do the Rock 'n Roll Seattle Half Marathon the end of June and we're both really excited about it. As soon as the weather cooperates and warms up above, say, FREEZING, we'll get out there and start training. We both have an online training program all set up and we're itching to get started. We're financially committed to do it, so there's no backing out or changing our minds. Plus, we have each other to motivate us and keep us going. Both our hubbys are totally supportive of this endeavor, which makes all the difference. We'll take the kids with us when we can, but there are gonna be some long training walks where it's not gonna be productive to drag kids along.

I don't know what else I'll come up with in this new frame of mind, but I'm sure it'll be something. It always is. :)

Like Peas & Carrots

All the cool kids are doing this so of course I'm jumpin' on the bandwagon! This is a little meme about Josh & I.

************************************

What are your middle names? Mine is Rene, his is Jon.

How long have you been together? August will be 11 years.

How long did you know each other before you started dating? We met 4th of July 1998 and went on our first date about a month later.

Who asked whom out? I think I may have told him he was taking me out. We went and saw There's Something About Mary on our first date.

How old are each of you? We're both 37 although I'm 3 whopping months older, which he never lets me forget.

Whose siblings do you see the most? Probably my sister since she lives here in town and watches Zoë occasionally for us.

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple? Remembering to take time to ourselves, to work on our relationship.

Are you from the same home town? Nope.

Who is smarter? Hmmm. I'm no dummy but he knows way more about world events, politics, history...you know, all that "adult" stuff.

Who is the most sensitive? He is.

Where do you eat out most as a couple? Various Mexican restuarants.

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple? Geesh, not very far. Probably Ashland, Oregon.

Who has the craziest exes? Neither of us.

Who has the worst temper? Probably me. Somewhat of a long fuse, but a big bang at the end.

Who does the cooking? Me, because I enjoy it.

Who is the neat-freak? Me. I hate clutter. Although I've named Josh "Captain Throwaway" because he loves to throw away stuff.

Who is more stubborn?
 I don't think either of us are very stubborn, but I might have a slight lead if I had to choose.

Who hogs the bed?
 The cats. :)

Who wakes up earlier? Josh does. Always has, even before kids.

Where was your first date?
 We went and saw There's Something About Mary.

Who is more jealous? I don't think either of us really are.

How long did it take to get serious?
 I knew I loved him about 4.5 months after we started dating. It took him longer to admit his feelings.

Who eats more?
 He does. And the speed at which he does so is impressive.

Who does the laundry? Me. Damnit.

Who’s better with the computer?
He's better at fixing them and troubleshooting stuff. I'm good at using them.

Who drives when you are together? Unfortunately, I do. And that's only because ever since being pregnant with Zoë, I get carsick if I'm the passenger. So now I basically drive everywhere. And if he drives, I just go to sleep.

Pecking Away

Greetings & Salutations! Man, is it Friday already? Well, I don't know about YOU but my week started off with a bang.

I got home from work Sunday night about midnight and just wasn't feeling well. I couldn't tell you specifically what was wrong; I just felt off and very unwell. And cold. So I crawled into bed, tried to read and discovered I couldn't even do that I felt so bad. I turned off the light and just laid there, shivering and covered in goosebumps. I might have dozed finally, but I woke up shivering and my teeth chattering. I finally nudged Hubby and asked him to snuggle me because I was freezing, which he willingly did and then noticed that I was burning up. He got out of bed and got me some Tylenol and milk which I managed to get down, but for the rest of the night I could do nothing more than doze. I was physically miserable: my stomach didn't feel right, my head was starting to pound, my wrists and arms were killing me and my back was aching. It was a long night.

Thankfully, I didn't even have to ask Hubby to stay home from work the next morning. I think my misery was quite evident. The rest of the day was spent trying to get comfortable, trying to sleep and trying not to throw up. I did not succeed at any on these tasks. I finally was driven from my bed by the back pain and ended up in my recliner in the living room, with a washrag over my eyes to soothe my head and block out the blinding sun (why don't we have blinds in the living room yet?!!), trying to sit upright and give my back a break. It was a long day. One little gem of wisdom I learned, and will now share with you, is that it is unwise, EXTREMELY UNWISE, to partake of a potluck at work the night before any form of vomiting. Particularly a potluck where you eat copious amounts of taco salad and red Thai curry. 'Nuff said. You're welcome.

On Tuesday I gave myself a Get Out of Jail Free card and lazed around the house, doing absolutely nothing productive except getting Sam to school. And actually, I had just gotten out of the shower (around noon) when the school called and said he wasn't feeling well and could I come get him. Turned out he was fine; I think he just had played a little hard at recess because he was a rambunctious little goat at home the rest of the day while I played on the computer recouperated.

Wednesday Sam got out of school early and Hubby was done with work early, so we fled the country in search of furniture. Ok, so that sounds a bit more exciting and worldly than it really was. We crossed the border into Canada and went to IKEA to look at some couches. After spending far too little time there, we managed to bring home a couch, two new nightstands, two lamps, and some art. Lord knows the kind of damage I could have done had I been allowed to browse and actually look at everything.

Yesterday I attempted to clean up the house a bit, but to be honest, I still don't feel great and am still having a few, uh, intestinal issues. I have very little appetite and when I do eat, toast is about the only thing that sounds good. I've been in a funk since being sick on Monday, so much so that even Hubby commented "Boy you just haven't been yourself since you were sick." I've been snapping at the kids, sullen and unsmiley, and have lost interest in most everything. Yesterday afternoon we managed to get to the stone supplier to pick out rock for our fireplace, which is still unrocked. I think it's going to beautiful when we get it put up - I love the stuff we picked out.

Today, Zoë and I are heading out to run a few errands and then we'll be heading to Sam's classroom for his Valentine's party. Fortunately the sun is shining, although it's windy and VERY cold, so I'm hoping a little sun in my face (through the car windows) will perk me up a bit.

*************************

Lately I've been feeling like I'm being pecked to death by ducks. Zoë has been especially demanding and clingy and WHINEY, oh my stinkin' hell, the whining....is killing me. And Sam has been SO argumentative. If he gets an answer he doesn't like, he just keeps on asking and whining and asking and whining and ASKING and WHINING until I want to gag him and throw him in a closet. And they seem to feed off each other so I get it from both sides at once. It's all I can do to keep my head from exploding.

Zoë also has grown quite the attitude for an almost 3.5 year old. If I scold her or tell her to do something, she flicks at me with her tiny fingers with this look on her face, like I'm an annoying bug she can just flick away. Grrrr.....

{sigh....} This too shall pass. I hope.

Sunny Saturday

Happy Saturday!

The sun in shining in my windows and I'm happily puttering around my house, doing chores that normally would make me wail and gnash my teeth. But the sunshine makes it all better. That, combined with some Mozart & Chopin blasting throughout the house and I'm a whirling dervish. So far, I've made bread (which is rising and almost ready to bake), cleaned the kitchen, stood & daydreamed out my kitchen window about my garden-to-be, vaccumed and dusted, thrown some laundry in and folded a load of clean clothes. It's amazing how my energy level and motivation skyrockets when the sun is shining. Seriously, if I lived somewhere that was sunny year-round? No telling what I could accomplish.

*************************

I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed (still!) at all I have/want to do. Fortunately, the hard labor of building this house is mostly over, but now comes the maintaining of it as well as finishing up things. Plus, being here has flipped my inspiration switch on big time and I'm constantly coming up with more things I want to do.

I finally whined to Hubby that he needed to do some of the stuff I was avoiding because I seriously didn't have energy to deal with it. Stuff like calling the property management place and getting that whole mess straightened out. (The mess being that they sent us a bill for $450 after we moved out, claiming we weren't supposed to have cats, when we wrote on our application that we had two cats and had been told when we called to inquire about the house that, yes indeed, pets were allowed yet they apparently failed to collect a pet deposit. So they kept the $500 deposit we'd put down AND wanted $450 more. Oh, and they wanted to charge us $100 for the very cheap dryer knobs that had broken. Josh looked them up: they cost $8.) Anyway, he talked to the property manager and got it all straightened out, much calmly-er (is to a word) than I would have and we should be getting part of our deposit back. Phew.

*************************

I owe you some kitchen pictures too, don't I? Well, here you go.

Hope you're having a lovely weekend too!

Yellow Light

In case you're wondering, I'm still alive over here in my little corner of the world. Even though I was semi-housebound because of the snow and puttering on the computer throughout the days, I just ran of things to talk about. Other than the snow. And how it was ruining my life. So in the interest of keeping you, dear readers, I opted to hold my tongue and say nothing. Mark the calendar; it doesn't happen very often.

Christmas was lovely. Hubby and I were up before the kids; me because of a dang cold & cough that attacked me shortly before Christmas and Hubby because he's just an early riser. We sipped our coffee in the pre-dawn silence and eagerly awaited the little footsteps that would come from the bedrooms. Sam woke up first, sneaking out to check if Santa had visited. After seeing the presents & filled stockings, he raced to wake Zoë up with soft kisses and whispers of "Santa came Zo-Zo! Wanna go open presents??" It was a magical morning, watching them tear into presents and squeal with joy. Their smiles and excitement were truly my best gifts.

We got dressed and headed over to my parents' house for our family brunch. After opening presents there, we gorged ourselves on Mom's homemade cinnamon rolls, eggs, potatotes, biscuits, and sausage then sat around holding our bellies and groaning about how full we were. Really, everyone should have it so bad. In the afternoon, my sister and I took all the kids to see the movie Bedtime Stories which, by the way, was super cute and funny.

Now here it is, the Day after Christmas and the packing of our house needs to start in earnest. We still have alot of snow but the forecast is for warmer temps and rain in the coming days, which will hopefully translate into the snow melting quickly. Since we gave notice that we'd be out of our rental house by the end of the year, I'm hoping we can make that happen, although I know the owners would be totally understanding if we end up needing an extra month week. Unfortunately, the house will probably sit empty for a few months before somebody else rents it because, honestly, who's going to be able to drive out here, see the driveway and think "Yah! I wanna live there!" It's a great house, it just sits on top of a ski slope practically.

I'm working on getting my new house equipped with internet service but it may be a bit before it gets installed. Especially since the pipe that the cable lines need to go in is full of ice. So if we manage to get moved in the next few days, I may be without internet service for a bit. But do not fear, I will find a computer to check in on. And of course, I'll update ya'll once we actually begin moving, whenever that may be.

For now, I'll get packing and wait anxiously for the green light to get the show on the road.

Winter Wonderland

This was my view on Sunday:

This was the view off my deck yesterday:
This was my view this morning:

The snow is getting progressively deeper. Our deck shows 9", but we probably have closer to 12" since the kids trampled it down during first batch we got on Saturday/Sunday.

Yesterday was considerably warmer, probably almost 30°, so Sam and I went out to play. And whaddya know? Bob showed up.




We were back inside, drying off and warming up, when Hubby exclaimed "Oh my gosh!". We looked out the window and saw that an entire fir tree had uprooted and crashed down onto the house behind us. Fortunately, the house is vacant and empty.



We went around and looked at the house, looking in the front door. And saw daylight. The tree went completely thru the roof and down into the second floor. We called the community association office and reported it and they were going to contact the realtor, but there wasn't much else we could do. And scarily enough, there is another tree right next to it that looks a little lean-y.

Today Hubby and his mom went out to the new house to check on things. The carpet is all in, and the plumbers have gotten several of the sinks and a toilet installed (hopefully they're finishing up today). I'm home today again, trying to entertain the kids and maintain my sanity. I'm going to get started packing some boxes after lunch in hopes that someday soon, we'll be actually moving.

There's No Place Like Home

It's December 5th. Already.We've targeted December 20th/21st as our move-in date.

That is only 15 days away.

I have to work 5 of those days.

I have to pack my entire house. Then move it.

I have to finish my Christmas shopping for the kids. I'm afraid the kids are the only ones that are going to make it on the list this year. Even if I had the money, I don't have the brain power to come up with gift ideas for the other 14 people in my family. Sorry folks.

Oh, and did I mention the house isn't done??

Still to do:

Grout the tile

Lay tile in bathrooms

Install plumbing fixtures (sinks, toilets, faucets, etc)

Install carpet

Hang interior doors

Install shelves in pantry & kids' bathroom closet

Install closet shelves & clothes rods

Install countertops

Install kitchen appliances

Painting touchups

I have a feeling that the carpet and the countertops will be the very last things to go in. And hopefully they'll go in before we move. The carpet has been ordered so we're just waiting for it to come in and then we'll get the installer in there ASAP. We've had to change our plans for our countertops and so I'm just waiting to hear back from the gal at the granite place about the changes and then we'll get those going.

Our lease is officially up the end of the month, and while the owners are willing to let us stay, we don't want to keep paying rent. But I'm nervous about officially giving notice to vacate. What if the house isn't done? I can live with some things unfinished, but it's not just that. The house has to be inspected before occupancy and certain things are required to be done. And the stupid guy at the County won't return our phone call to tell us what exactly has to be done. We're kind of flying blind.

It's all coming down to the wire folks. And it's stressing me out a little.

Can't I just click my heels together three times and have it all over with??

Sweetness

Just a few pictures I've taken lately...

I love this last one. I've had Chewie for 14.5 years; he was my first baby and I'm extremely attached to him. He never has been fond of the kids, giving them a wide berth lest they get too close. But somehow, Zoë has managed to charm him and he allows her to love on him. He's even become more tolerant of Sam. Chewie still lets both kids know he's had enough, but it's usually just a warning hiss as he walks away.

******************************

Thanksgiving is always special, but this year was extra special as there was a new member of the family to meet:

He slept through being passed around like a plate of nachos, waking only to have a snack himself, then settling back down contentedly. We're already smitten with him and can't wait to see him again.