Catching My Breath

Happy November! Hard to believe that the holidays are just around the corner and that we’re nearing the end of 2010. The last couple months have FLOWN by. And by flown, I mean I barely remember any specifics of September and October save a haunting memory of frantic desperation and barely grasped control. In the words of a friend, “It’s all a shitty blur.”

However, I can confidently say that I am beginning to feel like I’m tentatively regaining control of my life again. I may completely jinx myself by saying as much, but I think things are starting to level out. Life is falling into a bit of a routine – albeit a completely crazy routine – but at least nothing is really popping up and scaring surprising me any more.  I feel like I'm finally catching my breath.

Deciding to homeschool Sam completely turned our lives upside down. It has required a whole new mindset and approach to our days and while early on it caused me a bit of anxiety and frustration, I know now that we absolutely, without a doubt, made the right decision. I don’t think we realized exactly how unhappy and miserable Sam was at his previous school. Yes, he cried and complained and begged not to go to school but aside from his vocal complaints, I don’t think we realized how connected his unhappiness and some of his behaviors were. I’d always maintained that school was killing his confidence but I had no idea how bad it was. Kind of like you have no idea how bad your eyes are until you get glasses and can see all you’ve been missing.

My little boy, who a few months ago was unwilling to try anything new, to accept a compliment, to verbalize happiness or satisfaction, whose automatic response to most everything was negative or derogatory, who would get so frustrated and upset that he’d clench his fists and shake and cry and say “I’m so stupid!”…well, that boy is gone.

In his place a sweet little boy has re-emerged. He is happy and silly. He is willing and almost eager to try new things, demonstrating the return of his confidence. He is cooperative and compliant when asked to do chores around the house. He is content and expressive of his happiness. He is compassionate and affectionate with us. He’s even showing signs of being self-motivated in his schoolwork.

I’ll tell you what. I will keep up this frenetic pace and selfless and incessantly hard work for the rest of my days if it means having that little boy happy again. I questioned myself so many times about whether I was making the right decision in regards to his schooling, whether I would do him more harm than good, whether I had it in me to do this thing, whether I could be that selfless. And I’ve learned that while I don’t have all the answers and that some days I fumble about trying to get it right, I do have the secret to making it all work: desire. I want this. I want to homeschool my kids. I want to see them happy and content and confident. I want them to see how important they are to me and that I will willingly will do whatever it takes to do what’s best for them. I want the crazy that goes with this life.

Because honestly? It’s crazy GOOD.

Thinking Outloud

I'm supposed to be training for another half marathon, which is in two weeks.  And I've run precisely ONCE in the last week.  Hmmm. 

Currently I'm in mental discussions with myself about whether I should even try to do it.  1. Some friends from work are going and I'd love to go hang out with them and do this.  It'd be a little kid-free break with girlfriends and that alone is very enticing.  2. My goal for the year was to do 2-4 races and I've only done one.  3. There's no rule that says I have to run the whole thing. Obviously. But I know myself and I'm afraid that once I get out there my competitive spirit will kick in and I'll push myself.  4. The date of the race is 10/10/10 and that's just cool. I want a shirt with that date on it. 

I should be able to get a few runs in in the next couple weeks. I was able to change my schedule at work so that I work the same days each week, which will help tremendously with all that's going on in my life.  Or at least I hope it will.

I need to just go do this race. I want to.  The company alone will make whatever pain I inflict on myself worth it.  Besides, I don't think Paula will let me NOT do it. 

It'll Get Easier

I may have spoke too soon in my last post about crazy suiting me.

Holy schnikeys.

The crazy has gotten CRAZY. 

I'm not checking myself into a padded cell just yet, but I sure hope a month from now things have settled into some kind of routine.  Or even that I'll be used to this kind of crazy and it'll be the new normal. 

Because this is what my life looks like right now:

Mon/Wed/Fri - Zoe has preschool. Which means we need to be up, dressed, fed, washed and out the door by 9am.  And on at least a couple of those days, I have worked the night before and not gotten to sleep until around 12:30am.

Tue/Fri - Sam has school. Which means we need to be up, dressed, fed, washed, lunch & backpacked packed and out the door by 8:30am.  And on one of the days, I have worked the night before and not gotten to sleep until around 12:30am.

Mon/Wed/Thurs - Sam is home and we do homeschool.  Which means he whines, complains, cries, stomps and ignores me for a portion of the morning while I beg, plead, threaten, cajole and ignore him, trying to get him to do his work.

Mon/Wed - Both kids have swimming lessons right around dinner time in town.  I work one of the days which means Daddy has to get home from work, and turn around head to town to get them there on time. The other day means that I get to do the shuffle.

One week I work Mon/Tue/Fri, the next week I work Wed/Thurs, which means I have to leave home by about 2:20pm to get to work.  And since Hubby is working full-time right now (YAY!!!) and doesn't get home until 4-4:30pm, I have to get the kids over to my parents' or sister's house before leaving for work.

I am on the Newsletter Committee at work and am supposed to write the cover story this month, as well as gather other information for various features.

I am on the Practice Committee for my position at work and have to attend meetings in addition to my regular shifts as well as send updates to co-workers and write updates for the above mentioned newsletter.

Oh, and I'm also training for another half marathon which is in less than a month, which means that I should *technically* be running at least 3-4 times a week.  You know, in all my spare time.

Of course, there's all the fun housewifely stuff too.  You know, the laundry, the cleaning, the shopping, the bill paying, the cooking.

Don't get me wrong, I invited all this crazy into my life.  But boy, I didn't think it'd be like this.  I just keep telling myself that the schooling will settle into a routine and that soon I'll win the Lottery, quit my job and hire a maid and private tutor for the kids and that we'll all get adjusted to our new way of life. 

It'll get easier.  That's what I keep telling myself.

Life With a Side of Crazy

Boy, here we are.  Near the end of August.  I'm grabbing a minute to write because I know I won't have much of a chance for the next couple weeks.  The summer is wrapping up with a sprint to the finish.  Here are just the highlights:

~ My boy celebrated a birthday this last weekend.  For accomplishing the amazing feat of surviving for eight years in this family in this world, he was rewarded with copious amounts of Legos, Nerf guns and cash not to mention cake, ice cream sundaes and root beer floats.

~ My husband's 20th year high school class reunion was the same weekend.  For not having gone to the same school and only knowing a handful of folks who did, it was a pretty nice time.  Every one was very friendly and chatty and the food was good.  I was really hungry by the time the food was brought out and let's just say that if I'd been a heavier gal, folks would have been whispering about the amount of food and/or the number of trips I made to the buffet.  In my defense, I had run that morning and hadn't eaten much all day because of trying to get to the reunion on time.  So buffet time came, and I dove in.

~ We're approaching the start of our first year of truly homeschooling.  I was feeling a bit of anxiety about it, considering I had NOT spent the summer gathering curriculum as I intended, but then I ventured into a local store that is chock full of not only homeschool curriculum, but a plethora of teaching aids, workbooks, games, and classroom supplies (i.e. bulletin board stuff!!) and my fears dissolved.  I had to firmly steer myself away from the pretty bulletin board decorations and other classroom wall items into the homeschool section.  And I'm so glad I did.  Within an hour, I had chosen our curriculum for the year and breathed a sigh of relief that it included a Teacher's Manual.  Hallelujah!  I don't have to try to figure out how to explain what a conjunction is, or how to multiply fractions!  The book basically has a script for me!  Needless to say, I feel MUCH better about our upcoming school year.  Not only do I get to buy school supplies (times two actually - some for school, some for home) but I get to buy workbooks and flashcards and pretty things for our walls!  It'll be like playing school!  But for real.    {gulp}     Uh oh.

~Running is going well.  I've been out several times this last week but only for about 3 miles at a whack.  I need to start upping those distances considering the next 1/2 marathon is in about four 1/2 weeks.  I'm definitely not going to be trying to PR this one but I really want to do it.  So I will and we'll see what happens.  Overall, it just feels great to be back out running.  I'm hoping that once the school year starts, I can get back to some kind of regular routine instead of just trying to squeeze in a run when I can.

~ My daughter's 5th birthday is Labor Day weekend.  We're thinking of heading east to the rodeo and to see family.  Although I think if that happens we may come home with pink cowboy boots.  (No, they wouldn't be for me.  Mine would be RED.)

All in all, it's been a full and fun summer.  We've hung out with friends, met some new ones, carried on some traditions, discovered new places and events, and basically just grabbed hold of life and held on for dear life.   And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Crazy suits me.

Destiny?

I've had the last week off of work and have enjoyed every minute of it.  We had no specific plans but I did want to try to run twice during that week to see how my knee would hold up, especially with only a couple days rest in between.

I'm happy to report that I had practically NO ITB pain!  WOOT!  I did a 30 minute run, paying attention to the levelness of the roads, and I was pain free.  Once I felt a twinge but as soon as I moved to more level ground, it went away.  Needless to say, I was about shouting with joy at being able to run again.  However, I can definitely tell a difference in my endurance so that'll have to be built back up.

The second run was three days later and a bit longer.  I think my legs were just hungry to RUN because I ran the fastest mile I've ever run (9:05) and even with walk breaks averaged a 10:18 pace over 3+ miles. 

Oh man, it just felt GOOD to run.  Yah, I was breathing pretty hard and my legs were protesting almost the entire time but it was GREAT.  Even now, when I'm driving home from town, I can't wait to get back out on my country roads and put in more miles.  I want to do my 10 mile route again, faster than last time.  I want to hit my driveway, exhausted, sweaty and drained and feel that sense of accomplishment again. 

I was talking to a friend about running while back, lamenting how I didn't think I'd ever BE a runner in spite of my efforts and she was, like, "Dude.  You ARE a runner.  Anyone who spends the amount of time you do reading about, thinking about, talking about, and planning runs IS a runner." 

I have to confess, I kind of think I was born to be a runner and I'm just now discovering it.  My mom said I was *running* at 9 months old:  not walking, but full out running. And she said I never fell.  As a kid I LOVED running downhill, crashing thru the woods and brush, teetering on the edge of losing control.  I have had dreams for years where I run and run like Forrest Gump and love that feeling of freedom. 

The more I run, the stronger I get, the more I want to run, the stronger I want to get.  I may never be the fastest, it may never truly be *easy*, but it doesn't matter.  Running has tattooed itself on me and I don't think it's gonna fade for a while.

Destiny, perhaps?

Waiting to Run

The Seattle Rock 'n Roll Half was over four weeks ago.  The local half is in eight weeks.  I've only run three times since Seattle and every time my IT band hurt.  Not as badly as during the race, and actually a bit less each time, but it still hurt.  The furthest I've run since Seattle is three miles. 

Every day I think about running.  Every day I think I'll give it another try.  Every day I worry about my knee hurting if I do run.  Every day I worry about losing the fitness I've achieved.  Every day I yearn for the freedom I feel when I'm able to just run and run.

But.  I know I'll get there.  I'm not giving up on this running gig.  I'm doing other things to hopefully combat my injury and prevent it from happening again.  I'm working on getting stronger.  My head is still very much in the game; I'm just waiting for my body to catch up.

It's just that patience has never been my strong suit.

Summertime

So, it's finally summer!  Or at least, some days it is.  Our weather has been so wierd this year but we're soaking up the sunshine when it's here!

We invested in a pool this year and got it set up, hoping that we'd have some heat to warm it up.  A couple days was all the kids could wait before they HAD to get in it.  They didn't stay in very long because it was COLD, but when the temperatures finally got about 70° it warmed up and they've been having a ball ever since.

Ahhh....how I love summer.

The Gift

Over the last few months, I have changed. Mentally, emotionally, physically. I wrote awhile ago about the criticism I've received over my appearance. It hurt. And it made me feel isolated and unable to share my pride and excitement over the results I've seen. I'm pretty much over it now.

And that last little smidge of hurt and self-conciousness that remained has been erased.  One afternoon, in just a few minutes spent with a best friend and her camera, any doubt or embarrassment I felt about myself VANISHED.

I still am far from perfect.  I have stretch marks and flab, wrinkles and gray hairs. 

But the woman you see in these pictures is a woman who is comfortable in her body.  Who knows what it is capable of and is eager to push it even further. Who appreciates what she's got and how she got there.  Who recognizes that the criticisms hurled at her are based in jealousy and insecurity.

Whether anyone else sees those things when they look at me, I don't know. I actually don't care.  All that matters is that I see them.  And what a gift it is that I finally do.

Acceptance

I read a great article written by Kristen Armstrong for Runner's World that made me say a big ol' outloud "AMEN!".  Here are the parts that really had me nodding my head in agreement:

"An interesting thought occurred to me about photographs.

Have you ever noticed the way people, particularly women, look back at old photographs of themselves and are wistful? "Oh, I looked so young then!" "Look at my skin!" (*sigh*) "Good grief, I was so skinny! And here I thought I was heavy at the time!" "Awww, look at us, just gorgeous. We had no clue."

No one ever really mentions that just as we had no clue at the time, there might exist the possibility that we have no clue right now. Captured moments of today are the wistfulness of tomorrow. I guarantee that just as we can look back at a photo from ten years ago and appreciate ourselves, ten years from now we will look at a photo from today and think the same damn thing. How come nobody brings this up? Wouldn't this awareness bring us a certain measure of peace?

Can you imagine the liberation if we could just appreciate ourselves right now? Who we are, where we are, what we look like? If we could just look in the mirror long enough for a basic once-over and a smile-wink and be done with it? If we were too content and confident to critique? "

"Savor yourself. Cut yourself some slack. Appreciate your beauty. Wink at yourself in the mirror. Tell your husband he has nice buns. Tell your wife she's hotter than she was yesterday. Tell your children how you see them. Tell your parents thank you. Remind your friends who they are.

After all, ten years from now, right now will be ten years ago. Moments are like fireflies. You are a runner, so go chase them. Cup them carefully in your hands and watch the glow seep through your fingers. Don't miss it."

I so wish that all women could embrace this idea, could appreciate and value themselves as they are.  Society & the media have dictated too damn long what is beautiful or good or perfect, or what size/shape we should be.  Why do we measure ourselves against some unachieveable standard, when that standard is most likely airbrushed and Photoshopped??  Why do we focus on one little perceived flaw and ignore the scads of wonderful things that we are? 

I had the pleasure of yet again running with my friend Paula this weekend and she said something that has stuck with me.  I was pointing out to her something I was a bit self-conscious about and she said to me "Nobody sees it but you, Kate."  After thinking about it I realized that she was right.  If I continue pointing out my "flaws" to people then that is indeed what they will see when they look at me. 

And I don't know about you but that's not something I really want.

Addiction

I cleaned off my nightstand the other day and realized I have a problem.  I have been stashing all these books on the bottom shelf as I get them, adding them to my growing "To Read" list.  It wasn't until I pulled them all out and dusted things off that I realized that I had TWENTY FOUR books stacked up! 

I've put myself on Book Restriction and I'm not allowed to browse the internet for Books I Want anymore. 

Or at least until I get thru some of these ones.

Life Lessons

I learned how to be independent and self-reliant from my mom.
Because she was too wrapped up in her pain and making life appear perfect to nurture or encourage me.

I learned how to shrug off the teasing and name-calling.
Because hurt feelings and tears garnered me no sympathy.

I learned how to stand up on my own two feet, make my way and fix my own problems.
Because I had no shoulder to cry on, no safe place to fall.

I learned to put on a happy face, even when my heart was breaking.
Because appearances are more important than truth.

I learned to make people laugh.
Because their laughter was a reward and validation of my existence.

I learned at a young age I wanted to be physically strong and capable and tough.
Because I was once little and helpless and was violated.

I learned how to be proud of myself.
Because I never heard "I'm proud of you."

Springing

I saw this little dandelion, standing all alone, at the bottom of a hill near my garden boxes.  And while I typically don't care for dandelions, this picture just makes me happy for some reason.  Maybe because it embodies spring.  I don't know.  I just like it.

Last year I planted a couple lilac bushes (they're my favorite flower, ya know) and they actually are blooming this year!

I'd forgotten what color they were and just love what a beautiful surprise they've turned out to be. And the smell...oh my. Intoxicating.

Schooling

It is 1:00pm on a Wednesday and I am *still* in my pajamas.  My house is a disaster, my children are *still* in their pajamas, there is laundry to do, I have a stack of books to read, we've not actually eaten a meal today - just snacked- and my legs need shaving.

This is what homeschooling has done to me. 

But truth be told, I think we're doing okay.  We're starting to see a bit of a routine emerge, we're figuring out what works and what doesn't, what we like and what we don't.  We love being able to go outside when the sun in shining and play a quick game of tetherball, or eating our lunch on the deck, or watching a tv program that relates to what we're studying.  I'm finding that everything throughout the day is a learning opportunity.  Going to the grocery store, picking out plants for our garden, planting seeds are all teachable moments.  I find that I'm very aware that I'm the teacher now and that I can use any situation or experience to impart some kind of knowledge. 

We've relocated my computer and desk upstairs to the bonus room so that we have more space.  Some of what we do requires the computer and my little office space just wasn't big enough to include a work area for Sam.  Now we have lots of room, with bright daylight and we can leave our mess spread out over various tables.  (This is SO much better than cluttering up my dining room table and island.) 

It's a new way of life - a new never-child-free way of life - but we're adjusting to it. It's not just me and my previous routine that have had to adjust; Sam is getting used to me being the teacher AND the momma.  We butt heads occasionally but I have the advantage of inflicting more meaningful punishment than his teacher at school (i.e. taking away video game or TV privileges), but I also love him unconditionally and I hope that that shines through.

Don't Be Hatin'

I have bit my proverbial tongue and not written about this subject but it's really getting ridiculous and it's MY blog and I can write about what I want and if you don't like it, then don't read.  So there.

Since I have embarked on this whole fitness/running adventure, I've lost weight.  Only about 7 lbs, which isn't a huge amount, but I was not heavy to begin with.  More noticeably, I've lost inches.  Several off of my waist, hips, thighs and chest, which apparently appears to make me look like I have lost much more weight than I actually have.

In combination with the exercising, I have been really conscious of what I've been eating.  I'm avoiding all processed foods, eating way more fiber, fruits, veggies and whole grain stuff, and have all but quit drinking. 

On most days, I track what I eat just to make sure I'm getting the balance of nutrients, especially protein.  I am aware that I'm thin and that I don't have alot of "wiggle" room when it comes to weight loss.  I eat even when I'm not hungry because I know I haven't had enough calories.  (Here's a little tidbit:  natural, healthy food doesn't contain as many calories so therefore you can eat more of it.)  I wouldn't say that I obsess about it, but I do try to stay mindful of what I'm eating and try to make good choices.  And I'm not starving myself.

All of my efforts at BEING HEALTHY and the subsequent results are getting noticed.  And not in the way I'd hoped.  I can't tell you the amount of negative attention I'm getting for how my body is changing.  My family is the worst. Apparently because we're related that gives them permission to make snarky, mean comments about how I look.  My favorite being "You're too skinny - you're not even cute skinny".  Oh, and yesterday a co-worker jokingly compared me to a concentration camp victim.  (That felt great, btw.)

Seriously folks.  BACK OFF.  I refuse to take flack for obtaining a body like this through hard work, sweat, a few tears and healthy choices.  Yes, I was born with good genetics but how I look now is a result of my effort.  I am NOT concerned with being skinny or model thin - my reasons for this fitness quest have absolutely zero to do with vanity.  Yes, looking good and more importantly FEELING GOOD are nice biproducts but not my main objective. 

I want to be strong.  I want to look fit.  I want to take care of my health and do all I can to fight the crappy genetics I inherited.  I want to live a long healthy life and stick around to play with my grandchildren.

If you can't deal with the way I look, if you are threatened by it and feel like me being thin gives you the right to cut me down, if you are jealous, if you are so insecure that you can't be supportive and encouraging to a fellow human being, well then maybe you should just walk away. Oh, I may smile and laugh when you say things, but just know that it hurts and I just don't let you know because I'm nice that like.  Making snarky comments about someone being THIN is just as rude and hurtful as making snarky comments about being FAT, yet very few people would be that inconsiderate.
 

Every body is different and responds differently to a healthy diet and exercise.  This is how my body responds.  It doesn't make me a better person than you.

As Thumper's mommy told him, "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all."

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p.s  This post is NOT aimed at anybody in particular.  It's basically just a big vent because I'm fed up.

True Story Tuesday - Bread

So, have ya'll heard of that cookbook Artisan Bread in 5 Minutes a Day?  They aren't kidding when they call it "The Discovery That Revolutionizes Home Baking".

True story.

I got the cookbook sometime before Christmas when I was ordering some things from Amazon.com and I needed to order a certain amount in order to qualify for the free shipping. So I ordered the book for myself and called it an early Christmas present.

True story.

I didn't get around to really trying any of the recipes until sometime in February. The first one I tried was a light wheat bread.  And upon first bite, the angels sang and the heavens parted.

True story.

I love to bake bread and have tried dozens of recipes, searching for a certain texture and consistency that would replicate my grandma's homemade white bread.  I loved that bread and gobbled it up whenever we'd visit. This bread is the closest I've come to replicating Grandma's.

True story.

Another thing I'm loving about this book of recipes is how versatile they are.  I have made bagels and pizza dough out of whatever dough I have going and they ROCKED.  Seriously.  It truly IS the best bread I've ever made.

True story.

If I'm going to keep trying these recipes and gobbling up the delicious results like a half-starved maniac, I'm gonna need to keep running.  Like, A LOT.

True story.

Unrecognizable

Seriously, who slipped my life a hit of acid?  Because it has just gone wacky.  Every single item of whack could fill up its own blog post, and maybe eventually it will, but in summary here's what's been going on:

About 12 days ago, after about 18 hours of vomiting, diarrhea, fever and excruciating lower back pain, I made my husband take me to the Emergency Room.  You have to know this about me:  I WORK at the hospital and really make it a point to NOT go there unless I'm being paid to do so.  In this case, however, I was willing and even eager to give them whatever they wanted if only they would GIVE ME DRUGS.  Which, thankfully, they did and I was able to (mostly) stop tossing up everything I'd eaten in the previous month days and writhing in pain.  It's only been in the last 3-4 days that I've felt back to normal - I was *that* wrecked.

So needless to say, I've not been running or even setting foot near the gym.  That will be remedied this week.  My hiatus is over and I'm back on the wagon, so to speak.  Enough of living on buttery toast and whatever sounds least likely to cause pain (i.e. ice cream) and back to fruit smoothies and salad.  (Don't worry - I eat more than that.)

My fascination with all things food is reaching fever pitch.  After watching Food, Inc. a while back I've been hungry to learn more about what's really going on with America's food.  I'm currently reading Michael Pollan's book The Omnivore's Dilemma and boy howdy...is THAT an eye opener.  I dare you to read it and NOT have it change how you shop and eat.  I'm barely a quarter of the way through it and keep finding myself shaking my head in disgust and disbelief.  America, suffice it to say that the government is force feeding us CRAP.  You want to know why we're overweight and dying younger and younger?!  READ THE BOOK.  I am alternately outraged and acutely impassioned about this topic and if you get within earshot of me, you will likely hear me spew forth facts from the movie and/or book and my opinions and thoughts on the enormous injustice that is our food system.  (Truly, I am composing an entire essay in my head on this topic I am so on fire about it.  Right now, I am still in the outlining phase, but an essay will be forthcoming, mark my words.) 

And lastly, I have metaphorically donned my denim jumper and comfortable shoes, braided my hair, quit wearing makeup and have embraced HOMESCHOOLING.  If you know me IRL, you know this idea has been swirling around in my head for a couple years now.  Not because it was something I always wanted to do, but because after seeing Sam through kindergarten I suspected that maybe Sam + classroom would not entirely = success.  Long story short, my suspicions were indeed realized and then there was the lovely added benefit of a couple of little assholes in his classroom (and by assholes I mean children whose parents either were a) high on crack/drunk most of the time, b) wishing they'd used a condom, c) not interested in being a parent, or D) all of the above.)  Trust me, I do not fault the children - the blame lies solely with the sorry excuse for parents that procreated those kids.  But I am not obligated to subject MY child to those children and their foul mouths/crude & inappropriate behavior/delinquent tendencies just because we have the misfortune to reside in the same school district.  So, as of a week ago, Sam no longer goes to that school.  Or any school, for that matter.  (If you couldn't tell, this subject also fires me up a little.)  For the remainder of this year, we are homeschooling.  Next year, we are working on getting a plan in place that I think will make everyone happy and be the best for Sam, which is the whole point.

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These days I barely recognize my life.  I mean, who am I?  I'm running, I'm homeschooling, I'm gettin' all earthy.  I feel like I'm a walking jumble of adjectives:  outraged, inspired, determined, searching, motivated, humbled, relieved, focused.  Evolving.  On the verge.  I feel like the things I'm going through right now are changing me - are changing who I am, how I think, how I act.   I can feel it physically, like growing pains. 

But I guess that's what's happening:  I'm growing a new life.

Excellence

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit."  ~Aristotle

As you can see from my side bar, I collect quotes.  A Facebook friend posted this gem a while back and I immediately wrote it down.  I liked it alot. 

This thought is reassuring to me in a way.  Like, people aren't born with excellence - they achieve it.  It's not a gift that a lucky few have been bestowed with.  Anyone is capable of excellence.  Even me.

So the lesson is that whatever it is that you desire to be excellent at - whether it be running, singing, baking bread, or underwater basketweaving - with perserverance, dedication, and a good measure of grit (for nothing worth having comes easily), you too can be EXCELLENT.

And who doesn't want that??

Catch Up

Well, I guess it's time for my monthly post.  Ha.  Seriously, where has the last month gone? 

In an effort to get ya'll caught up on my riveting life, I'm resorting to that format which allows me to hop gracefully from one nonrelated topic to the next without any kind of meaningful segway, our friend the BULLET.

• I am so excited to be able to report PROGRESS with my attempts at becoming a runner.  Just about 6 weeks ago, I ran an entire mile for the first time in I-don't-know-how-many-years.  It wasn't easy and I really couldn't imagine a time when I'd comfortably run that distance, much less further, but holy moly friends, I AM THERE.  This last weekend, I ran 4.54 miles only stopping twice for a brief minute to drink some water. And even though that is a HUGE accomplishment that I never thought I was capable of, I still have doubts about my ability to go further.  Like, I think I may have reached my max.  But I'll keep trying.
• A fabulous side effect of all this running and eating healthy is the physical changes I'm seeing. I took my measurements about 18 months ago when I started going to the gym and I recently came across those measurements.  I whipped out my measuring tape to see if there'd been any change, not really expecting any major changes, but I think I counted a total of about 9 inches that I've lost!  I'm totally digging the muscles that are popping out in my legs.  A downside is that not many of my pants (or bras) are fitting very well anymore.  Yah, I know...woe is me.  :)
• Work is still rather slow for Josh, although we're hopeful that things will pick up with spring & summer approaching.  He's also applying for other jobs with other companies, but of course, with the economy the way it is, positions are at a premium.  So for now, I do alot of praying and try to have faith that it will all be okay.  But boy am I tired of barely hanging on.
• There are potentially some big changes on the horizon for us as a family.  Sam has really been struggling in school the last few months.  Issues that we dealt with the last half of last year are resurfacing, as well as new ones.  Academically, he's fine.  He scores at or above grade level in everything, yet he hates school.  Most mornings are a fight to get him ready and out the door, often involving tears and such a level of frustration on his part that it breaks my heart.  He struggles to pay attention, he struggles to stay focused on work, he struggles to sit still, he struggles to ignore his classmates bad behavior and language. We've seen his confidence in himself and his abilities go down, we've seen his attitude change, we've heard him using language we don't use at home, we've seen him lash out in frustration.  This whole situation is KILLING me so much that it's no wonder I suspect I have an ulcer.  I hate, hate, HATE that my sweet boy is having such a hard time; a boy that is SO quick-minded, so naturally curious, so sensitive.  He is learning to hate school because of external influences and expectations and I'm not sure we can allow that to happen much longer. 
• Yes, I think I have an ulcer.  I have a constant, gnawing pain in my stomach, which occasionally gives me chest pain. I feel hungry, bloated, and achy most of the time, yet when I eat it doesn't help.  I don't have much of an appetite and I'm constantly burping.  Pleasant, huh?  I had an ulcer back when I was 25 and remember feeling much the same way.  It was diagnosed with a blood test and I ended up taking 18 pills a day for two weeks. So I need to have that blood test again.  Which means I need to go to the doctor.  Which I hate doing. 
• I'm doing my very first 5k run in April.  It seems a little backwards to finally get around to doing a 5k considering I've completed two half marathons, but I WALKED those and intend on RUNNING this 5k.  So maybe it's not backwards at all.  I'm just starting out as a runner, so I guess a 5k is a good place to start.  And it's for a great cause:  the proceeds benefit the Behind the Badge Foundation, an organization that supports law enforcement and their families. 

Well, I guess that about sums it up.  Life is very full and busy these days, and probably will get more so with some upcoming changes, but what's a girl to do?

Ups and Downs

I certainly am not turning this into a blog solely about running, but for now it's what I'm working on, so for now it's what I'm writing about.

I headed back to the gym on Tuesday and hit the treadmill, still riding the high from Saturday's run.  I quickly snapped out of it and realized it was a WAY different day and I was not feeling great.  I almost immediately developed a stitch in my side that I couldn't get rid of, I was swaying all over the place, banging into the sides and front of the treadmill, and breathing kinda hard early on.  I tried my hardest to just run through it all, but it became evident with every passing minute that I wasn't going to be able to run like I did on Saturday.  I seem to remember wanting desperately to stop after only 10 minutes but I kept mentally yelling at myself and pushed on until I'd been going for 19 minutes. I really wanted to hit that 20 minute mark but I simply couldn't go another minute and slowed to walking at 19.   I was hugely disappointed and started to think maybe Saturday was a fluke.

Today I again hit the treadmill and really just went with the mentality of doing what I could, trying to forget Tuesday's poor performance.  Last night when I was vacuuming, I rammed my 3rd toe on my left foot with the vacuum and kinda bent back the nail, making it bleed. So I wasn't sure how running on it would feel.  And on the way to the gym I discovered a hole in my sock on my right foot, right under a toe.  And I'm pretty sure I need new shoes. So my feet were not happy to start with.  (I have very fussy feet and have since I was a little girl. They're very sensitive. Or something.)

I did my usual 10 minute brisk walk and then upped the speed to 4.8mph and started to jog.  My first goal was to do a mile...about 12.5 minutes at that pace.   On Tuesday I had started out at 5mph and I wondered if just that little bit of extra pace did me in.  So I figured I'd start off nice and easy today.  My legs felt great, no burning or pain, expect just a little discomfort in my right foot, probably from my shoes.  The 12.5 minutes flew by and I kept going.  I finally stopped at 30 minutes because my mouth felt like the Sahara desert and I needed a drink.  So I took a 3 minute walk break, slurped down some water, then upped the speed to 5mph and went another 12 minutes.  The last couple minutes were challenging - I was breathing harder and had a side stitch - but I powered on, feeling again a great sense of accomplishment.  When I slowed to a brisk walk, I felt like I was floating and the side pain went away.  It was great. 

I think on Tuesday I should've started at the slower speed.  I really am not concerned with my speed right now.  I just want to be able to run continuously for a good period of time.  The speed will come.  For now, I'm working on my endurance.  So, lesson learned:  run slower for now.  Also, I ate a banana on my way to the gym on Tuesday and I think it contributed to the side pain.  Today I drank a glass of Odwalla Superfood (aka "pond scum") and didn't have the side pain until the very end.  So, lesson #2:  don't eat much before trying to run.

Becoming a runner is a learning process, as well as a physical process.  But progress is being made on both fronts.  And I can't tell you how cool it is.

Crossing Over to Belief

Over the last few months, I've read articles here and there about running, training to run, technique, etc. all in an effort to figure out how to go about becoming a runner.  As multiple places have suggested, one should start off doing intervals - run for a bit, then walk for a bit - gradually increasing the amount you run and decreasing the amount you walk.  So I've been doing that. But I'm impatient and competitive and I probably haven't done enough of it.

Another thing I've read is that you should do two short to average runs during the week and then a longer one on the weekend.  I haven't done that as much because I haven't really gotten to the point of actually running much yet.

Or so I thought.

Yesterday, I headed into town to the Y, planning on doing more intervals on the treadmill.  I picked my treadmill in front of a big window, looking down on the street where I could watch the traffic and people strolling around town on a Saturday morning.  To my left was a gal that was full-on running, around 8.0 mph.  Wow.  She looked so smooth and just kept running and running...

I started off walking, working up to my quick walking pace (between 4.0 - 4.3 mph).  I figured I'd do a 10 minute warm up and then do a 12 minute mile.  I started out jogging and felt pretty good.  As I was nearing the 12 minute mark, I thought "I'll try to go about 18-20 minutes".  So I forged on. 

About that time a girl got on a treadmill to my right and started walking.  After a few minutes she started doing some intervals, jogging for a bit, then walking.  I was silently cheering her on, recognizing what she was doing.

Before I knew it my 20 minute goal had come and gone and I was feeling no pain.  My legs felt strong and solid and I was in a good rhythm. I had previously been jogging at 4.8mph but wondered how I'd do if I upped it a bit.  So I increased it to 5.0.  And it didn't really make much difference.   My main challenge all along was my breathing. I have a tendency to concentrate on my breathing too much instead of just letting my body breathe when it needs to.  So instead I focus on my music, singing in my head, and try to just forget about regulating my breathing. 

All along I kept expecting to "hit the wall" any minute. I couldn't believe I was cruising along, actually RUNNING (albeit slowly) for longer than a few minutes.  I dare say I felt a bit of that "runner's high" you hear people refer to, and MAN it felt good. 

I started philosophizing and realized that I was in a bit of a metaphorical situation.  On my left was the fast runner-girl, obviously with all kinds of endurance and strength, and on my right was the girl trying to train her body to run, pushing herself a bit at a time.  And I was in between them, literally and figuratively.  Not too long ago I was that girl just starting to train her body to run.  And I dream of being the runner that can just go and go.

I ran for 40 minutes straight, managing to go a bit under 3.5 miles without stopping. I'm not going to win any races at that pace, but I'm not worried about speed right now. I'm just going to cling to the knowledge that I AM capable of it and use it to build on.

Yesterday showed me that, for now, I'm solidly in between those two girls.  When I realized that I was crossing over into actual "I'm a runner" territory, I felt myself fill with a huge feeling of accomplishment and pride.  I suddenly was running with my head held higher and a bit of a grin on my face.  I'll admit, I even had to stem the sudden sting of tears that threatened.  I was just so damn proud of myself and surprised that somehow I had managed to teach this old body to RUN. 

At this rate, I'm starting to believe I may actually get to cross off one of the goals I set for myself in 2010.

True Story Tuesday - Bookworm

Well, look at that...it's Tuesday again. 

I have read three books in the last seven days:  Mina and Bread and Dreams by Jonatha Ceely, and Food Rules by Michael Pollan.

True story.

I think the two by Jonatha Ceely have secured themselves a place on my All-Time Favorite Books list.  I couldn't read them fast enough yet didn't want them to end. 

True story.

I was awake until 12:30am last night devouring the last hundred pages of Bread and Dreams.  I HAD to know how it ended.  And today I'm sad I'm done with it.  I already miss the characters.

True story.

 

Now that I've read one of Michael Pollan's books, I want to read the others.  And soon.

 

True story.

 

I can't imagine a life without books. 

 

True story.

True Story Tuesday - Brought to you by Puffs Plus & Dayquil

I have been fighting some crummy bug/illness since Thursday. And while it started out as a simple annoying sore throat and a little stuffiness, it has evolved into a full blown snot-fest, complete with incredible sinus pressure, neck achiness, a barky cough and a headache that multiple Canadian codeine tablets only barely helped.

True story.

The whole time I have been under the weather, I have been worried about my training.  Like, how far am I going to be setback because of this stupid bug?  And it's making me very cranky to think that I'll have to start off walking again, instead of continuing to increase my running.  I'm VERY ANXIOUS to get back to the gym. 

True story.

I have layed around and watched more crappy TV in the last two days than I have in the last six months.  Prime example of my illness is the fact that I watched multiple episodes of Real Housewives of Orange County.  On purpose.  Me watching that crap?  A sure sign of sickness.  And boredom.

True story.

BUT. I think I may be on the mend.  After calling in sick to work for two days (which I loathe doing) I'm actually upright and showered this afternoon and feeling a bit hungry, something I haven't felt in days. 

True story.

True Story Tuesday - Blech Edition

Yesterday I strayed from my healthy eating plan, back to my old ways.  Zoe and I had to return something at the mall and she was hungry so we shared a personal size cheese pizza and breadsticks at Target.  I barely made it home, I was suddenly SOOOO sleepy while driving.  I came home, crashed on the bed and zonked out. 

True story.

For dinner, I made shredded chicken tacos and only had two.  And I felt like I'd eaten a horse.  I ached like a bloated cow.

True story.

I decided a beer sounded good with dinner so I indulged in one.  It tasted wonderful but I was left with a headache and feeling mildly queasy.

True story.

I don't think I'll be eating two meals like that again in the same day.  I felt horrible!  Even though I didn't eat a large quantity, it was the quality of the stuff that really did me in.  Ugh.  I don't think I'll be doing that again anytime soon.

True story.

Chasing Pavements

I'm happy to report that I've been pretty consistent with my workouts the last few weeks.  With the weather being nasty and cold, I go to the gym on the mornings that Zoe has preschool (which is Tues/Thurs).  Then I try to sneak a workout in on the weekend.  With the addition of modifying my eating and really keeping track of what I put in my mouth, I am feeling GOOD.  The scale has remained steady at a number that makes me happy and yet I don't feel like I'm heading into "scary thin" territory.  With the workouts I've been doing, I've been consciously making an effort to eat enough protein, cut my carb intake down a little, increase the fiber and calcium and keep taking my vitamins.  I've recently added fish oil to my vitamin repertoire after doing a bunch of reading on the benefits of it.  And considering we aren't big seafood eaters, and the fact that I don't care for salmon, I need to get my Omega 3s somehow.  I've even started giving it to the kids in liquid form. But that's another post.

The last week or so the weather has been surprisingly spring-like.  While California is getting hammered with storms and tornado warnings, those of us in the Seattle area have had lovely days with temperatures in the 50's.  I'm not sure it's going to last much longer, but I've sure been enjoying it.  I even caught myself starting to think about my flowerbeds and garden and thinking "I need to get started figuring those out!" and then I caught myself and remembered it's still January.  Duh.

Craving a little fresh air and wanting to test myself a bit, I headed out for a walk/run on Thursday.  I've been doing some intervals on the treadmill at the gym but wanted to see how actually pounding the pavement felt.  So I headed out, warmed up by walking the first 3/4 mile then actually managed to run the next mile!  Without stopping!  And there weren't even any rabid dogs chasing me!!  Go me!  (And by "run" I mean that geriatric amputees could have passed me.) Even more impressive was that I managed to make it up a decent hill I encountered without having to stop to hork up a lung.  After that, there were two baby hills that I showed who was boss then it was flat to the mile marker.  I walked the mile back, then ran the 3/4 mile home.  And then I collapsed and died and my 4 year old did CPR and revived me. 

Then on Saturday my friend Paula came out to run with me.  She has been a great encouragement and motivator in my desire and attempt to become a runner.  I took her on the same route that I went on Thursday but we went even further.  I was able to run that same mile, up the hills and everything, even though Paula did kind of smoke me on the uphills.  It's okay.  I know I'm just starting out and it's not a race.  Yet.  :)   She gave me all kinds of pointers and tips, although I'm not sure I really was able to put any of them into practice mid-run, what with not being able to feel my legs and all.  We completed about 5 miles, running probably at least half of that.  I came home tired (and ravenous), but feeling proud of my effort.  I have to confess, it was my first time running with someone.  EVER.  I probably didn't give Paula much of a workout, but her company was certainly appreciated and enjoyed.  I hope she'll run with me again. 

It feels good to be challenging myself this way.  I like focusing on my health and my fitness.  I've always loved physical challenges and pushing myself to see what I'm capable of.  I grew up being very active, played sports all through high school and played softball and soccer in my early to mid-20's.  Now that my kids are a bit older & independent, I'm hungry for those challenges again and the sheer fun of it.  And I'm trying to set a good example for them by living healthily and taking care of myself.  They and their daddy are, afterall, my main reason for living.

Monday Hodgepodge

It's Monday again.  This week, it's a good thing as it means a couple days off after working all weekend.   But a day off after working the last three means lots of catching up, laundry, cooking, cleaning and doing all the things that didn't get done.  So forgive me, but I'm resorting to a bulleted post because otherwise this post would be very random.

~When the calendar turned over to a new year, I renewed my dedication to better eating.  I figured if I'm going to be busting my behind trying to get in shape, the least I could do was not sabotage my efforts by rewarding myself with french fries every time I walked further than the bathroom.   So I've revamped my diet and have been keeping track of what I'm eating with this cool site.  For me, journaling what goes in my mouth keeps me aware of where I need to improve and helps me track important nutrients, like fiber and calcium.   I'm happy to report that in the last 10 days or so of doing this, my scale tells me I'm down 6 lbs.  My goal isn't to lose weight per se, just to make better choices and give my body better, healthier stuff in order to get the most out of my workouts.  Apparently, my body likes this and is rewarding me, which is okay with me.

~One of my goals for the year was to find a babysitter and I'm happy to report that I think I can cross that one of my list.  One of the mom's in Zoe's preschool class has a teenage daughter, and it occurred to me that maybe she would be interested in babysitting. So I talked to the mom who said that J, the daughter, had been asking her if she knew anyone who needed a babysitter.  I think it'll work out perfect: J has two little sisters of her own so is used to dealing with younger kids, she only lives about 6-7 minutes away, she's technically still in high school but is doing Running Start and has lots of free time.  She's going to come over this week to meet the kids, see where we live and get the lowdown and hopefully we can put her to work soon.  Date nights, coming up!

~Last Wednesday my puppy, Tessa, ran off to the neighbor's cow pasture and didn't come home.  I last saw her at about 3pm and both Hubby and I spent the evening looking for her, calling her, asking the neighbor's if they'd seen her, driving up and down the road, but to no avail.  To say I was upset, well...that would be an understatement.  I woke up at 5am with a crying hangover after a fitful attempt at sleep.  When Josh and my dad headed out to work that morning, he spotted Tess over in the same pasture where I'd last seen her and went over and got her.  I think she was actually stuck in the pasture and couldn't figure out how to get back to where she got in.  I was SO thankful to have her home again. Even though we've only had her about 6 months, I've gotten very attached to her and not having her underfoot felt like a member of the family was missing. 

~ I had a lovely day with my friend Paula last week and I think she's going to help me with my running.  Having done several marathons herself, and striving to do a 50k (which, uh, is like 31 miles), she assured me I could easily run a half.  Well, I'm not sure it'll be easy but it helps to have someone who's "been there, done that" on my team, who can help me train the right way.  I think she's going to be a bit of a taskmaster if/when I run with her, but it's probably what I need. 

And with that, it's time to work on another one of my goals:  less computer time. 

Bye!

At A Loss

I just learned that a childhood friend who has been battling cancer for the second time in her short life has lost her battle. 

Please, if you have any prayers or positive thoughts, could you send them to Trina's family?? 

I'm at a loss for words.

A Cold & Frosty Mornin'

It's Wordless Wednesday!

Futurama

Wow.  2010.

In decades past, that futuristic year evoked fantasies of flying cars and teleporting and vacationing on Mars.  But, here we are.  Pretty much plodding along the same as we were in 1979.  In fact, I think the two years have many of the same fashions and hairstyles in common, now that I think about it.  Ewwww!  Ok, ok, we have this here internet which has gone practically VIRAL.  And we do have an African-American President in office for the first time.  And Lady Gaga does resemble something weirdly futuristic or, at the very least, of another planet.  But really, life is pretty much the same.

Where are my flying cars?  Or my meals in pill form?  Come on!

Regardless of those gigantic disappointments, I think 2010 is going to be an incredible year.  I dunno why...I just feel like great things are in store for me and my family.  We don't have any big plans for a fancy vacation, or making some big purchase, but the whole year is stretched out before me like a giant blank canvas and I just picture really good things ending up on it.  I pray that I'm right.

So in this happy-go-lucky, rainbows and unicorns, Pollyanna mood I've been in, I've been thinking about what I want to accomplish in this new year.  I want it to be a year of improvement, a year of getting stronger, of accomplishing goals.  I want to look back and think "Man!  I kicked that year's ass." 

Without further ado, I now share with you my....

Plans & Goals for 2010

1. First and foremost, this is the year some time and effort gets put into my marriage. Things aren't bad but they could be so much better.  I have focused so much on the my kids for the last 7 years that I've let things slide with my husband.  And I want my family together. I want us happily together.  The best gift I can give my kids is to love their Daddy and to keep our marriage strong.  So I'm going to do what's necessary to make things better and stronger.  I do not want to be a statistic.  More date nights, more "random acts of kindness" towards my husband, more communication, more connecting.  I want it all. And I'm lucky enough to have a spouse who feels the same.

2. Even though I grimaced, whined and cried far more during  my two half marathons than while giving birth, I want to do more.  My goal for this year is 2-4 races and I'd like to actually completely RUN at least one of them.  I have three races picked out so far, all within driving distance:  April 11th, June 26th and September 26th.  I don't know if it's possible, if I'm capable of it, but damn if I'm not inspired to at least try. 

3.  In order to help facilitate Item #1 on this list, another goal of mine is to find a non-family babysitter.  We need someone that we pay, whose availability isn't dictated by how they feel, how tired they are, or how many hours they've worked.  Granted, it will be an additional cost on a night out, but it will be worth it.  I'll admit to being a bit of a protective momma, but I have confidence that I'll find someone that I'll be comfortable leaving my kiddos with.

4.  I was a bit sad to realize I've only read slightly more than 20 books this year.  Even with building a house in 2008, I still managed to read 32 books.  A few years ago, I told myself "I'm gonna read 100 books this year!"  and then I smacked myself in the head and realized I was being a bit overzealous. That would be almost 2 books per week, which I suppose I could accomplish if they were children's stories.  I'm being more realistic and aiming to read 35 books this year.  Lord knows I've already got the first 16 sitting right on by my bed!

5.  I know I've only been in my house for a year, but I already want to repaint the kids' bathroom.  I'm just not a big fan of the color, even though I picked it.  And there are a couple walls in the master bathroom that I need to repaint too.  Maybe if I get into a painting zone, I'll spruce up my laundry room, the bonus room and the guest room!

6.  I really am ready to start decorating my house a bit.  I'd like to get more plants, hang some pictures, buy/sew some shades and window coverings...you know, generally home-ify our place a bit.   Of course, all these things are dependent on $$$, so this "goal" ranks lower on the priority list than, say, FOOD.

7.  Probably all of the previous items on this list would be aided by another goal:  less computer time.  Good gravy, but Facebook is a timesuck.  It's one thing to browse everyone's updates to see what's going on, but the games really are mindless.  And I'm still a good person if I'm not on top of the scoreboard.  (Except Bejeweled Blitz.)

So there you have it.  A list of things I hope to accomplish in 2010.  It's the last year of my 30's and I'd really like to wrap up this decade of my life with a big fat bow of accomplishment and self-satisfaction.

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I have to confess that even as I write this and share with you my positive and optimistic mood for the year, there is a black cloud of worry hovering. I pray that this year will bring no tradgedy or death in my family.  I just feel like by being so excited and optimistic for the year, that I'm tempting fate.  Please Lord, no.